Mr. Suki's Boxes

I came home yesterday to a living room full of boxes and a soon-to-be ex-husband chirping around the house getting ready for his big move.

He had a bandana on, music turned up and a determined way about him.

Stunned (not sure why. I KNEW he was moving this weekend), I say to him, "so I guess that's it, huh? you're moving out."

smile on his face and lilt to his voice he replies with, "why? you gonna miss me?"

then all at once, it hit me...

yeah, I am.

I started bawling. I just lost it. In that moment, surrounded by boxes of his things in "our" home...I realized what had happened...

what I'd done.

I'd robbed this man of his wife, his family and home...hell, even his dogs. He had done nothing but take care of me and be my friend for the last three years...yet here he was packing his shit.

What happened? When I married him I was in love with him. It was for keeps. I couldn't imagine a day when he'd be moving out...out of a home that, by his own admission, he'd bought for the kid and I.

I really questioned myself, yesterday. What kind of person am I that I let this happen? Why did I stray? What the hell happened??? Can I trust "love?"...

Can I trust myself?

I expressed these feelings to two of my best friends...oqui and matty. Matty responded with concern and a firm kick to the ass...while oqui didn't know how to respond (text message: I'm not sure how to respond to that.)

I guess what I needed was to hear that it'll be alright. there isn't a special place reserved in hell for me. I suppose that I wanted to hear that, yeah, I AM a bad person...but that's ok, too, because I'm human. I realize that I wanted to hear someone tell me to shut my fucking mouth, deal with the mess I'd created and NEVER do it, again...

I really just wanted someone to cry on.

I'd dissed my best friend.


what kind of an asshole does that???