my sister has cancer (and other things that make me cry)

Oqui says that one of the things he loves most about me is that I always end a sentence/conversation/discussion with "well, the good news is..."

problem is...I'm having trouble seeing the good in the good news, lately.

I'm a mess. my emotional control is set to zero. I cry while I laugh. I laugh at myself crying...then I REALLY cry.

I'm afraid I'm losing it. I feel despondent and hopeless.

I look at the man I love and feel only fear that something will take him from me.
I look at the children I teach and realize that in a few short weeks, they'll no longer be "my kids."
I look at my beautiful and amazing daughter and hear her voice resounding in my head, "you go. I'll stay here and live with daddy."
I think of my youngest niece, cut-off from the entirety of her family for the last 8 months, and wonder, "will she remember aunt NeeNee? does she miss babydoll heaven. has her mother made her hate us?"

my sister has cancer. she hasn't spoken to us (including her two teenage daughters) since she lost custody..and I found out last night she has cancer.

I'd been feeling so indescribably horrible lately, that I've done a ton of soul searching...trying to figure out what's wrong. I've identified 33 bazillion things that make me sad, but not one of them seems to be "it."

it's indescribable.

then it hit me. this pain...may not be my own.

my mother and sister and I have always had a bond. we've ALWAYS known when something was wrong with one of the others.

our great-grandmother called it "the sight."

intuition, esp, empathy, non-existant bullshit...

whatever you wanna call it. it's strong.

so strong that over the last few months...even the mention of the word "sister" brought me to tears.

she's not well. she's never been well. her entire life has been one of pain, emotional torment, insecurity and fear.

she's never been well.

now that's she PHYSICALLY unwell...I feel that, too.

and there's nothing I can do about it. her boyfriend told me (on the sly) that she waited too long. its worse than it should be. she has surgery scheduled for the end of the month...

and she thinks she's dying.


my sister has wanted to die for many many years. she's often tried to take her life, herself. she won't speak to any of us.

how does a person in that state find the will to fight?

I hate this. I can't help her. I'm so unstable, myself, right now....so much going on...that EVEN IF she would speak to me...

she'd drag me under, too.

so we wait. we hold our breath and send our vibes. I don't want to lose my sister.

to cancer. to suicide. to silence.

I don't want to lose my sister.







(and in an effort not to overwhelm myself with sadness any further)

...but the good news is:

-oqui bought me a crock pot. just when I thought there was nothing on earth he could do to cheer me up, I went downstairs and found it. the crock pot I had taken OUT of my cart the night before, unable to justify the expense. the crockpot I wished whole-heartedly that I had the following day when one of my old ones spilled (my awesome sausage stew) in my car, and the handle broke off of the other spilling my (awesome) columbian beef stew on the school parking lot...as I was locked out of the school...arms full, problem child spazzing while someone else watched my room...guilt piling on.

yeah, he bought me the 5 quart one with the travel handles, latching lid and spill-proof seal.

-I was coaxed out of my bedroom yesterday by an unexpected call from my friend stephanie. she was in my area. she was doing well. she had met a man. she wanted to see me. she's no longer depressed and trying to kill herself and she was alive.

alive and well.

we ate, we drank, we reminisced and were merry. I almost didn't let it bother me that she's scheduled to have yet ANOTHER lump removed from her breast tomorrow. I'm really fucking tired of cancer...


-my youngest niece is in kindergarten. exposed to the real world...and doing well. while her older sisters bore the brunt of my sister's instability before...she's bearing it, now.

but doing well. for all intents and purposes...

she's a normal little kid. I cried for an hour after hearing that.

for once, lately, tears of relief.

-I decided if I'm going to spend the rest of my life crying in the bedroom...I might as well paint it. we're going with green. I'm going to paint the walls, the dogs, my hair and my man...

and hopefully smile while doing it.