I'd like mine with a side of anti-emetic, please

Happy Pukesgiving!

big strong men and a moving van

foot down.

we're not buying this house. should the heavens open up, angels drift forth and hand me an incredibly large sum of cash to be used only for the purchase of this property...

I'd say no.

TOO.MUCH.WORK.

I've had the shit (and vomit) kicked out of me for the last two...or more, I can't remember...months and DO NOT FEEL like ripping out a kitchen, replacing a bathroom, putting in a new furnace or having the trees trimmed.

oqui's got a bum shoulder, so whatever work we might've thought to do ourselves and save some money....so not gonna happen. hiring people to do the work would put us so far over our (imaginary) budget that we might as well just declare bankruptcy now.

so....today we go a'looking. we've got a short list. 6 properties. 4 school districts. prices all over the place...

one of them...will be our new home.

we're gonna lose a little chunk of money walking on this deal, but...

I don't give a hairless rat's hiney.

this place is bad news....has been from the start and we are OUTTA HE'RHE!



...oqui hates my guts over it (as does our realtor)...


but he'll just have to deal.

mercy!

I've had enough of the pukes.

sweet jesus a'mighty,

enough, already.

pllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllease stop.

pretty please.

thought

I should really take down that preggo pic...

lest I continue to get knocked up.


(thinking ahead, I am)

guilt

don't I feel like an asshole?

worse, still...don't I feel tremendously, heart-wrenchingly guilty?
yup. sure do.

we found out last week that I was pregnant with twins, but one died.

died...right about the time I wrote my hateful, selfish "do not want" blog. I KNOW I was overwhelmed; physically, emotionally, mentally...and now I know why.

but I also know that I was so reluctant and hesitant to accept my fate that I forced the little soul right out of one of my babies.

now, I'm not feeling self-indulgent and whiney, here. despite many people's attempts to convince me otherwise...I know what I did. I'm taking responsibility.

I didn't have enough. I couldn't handle being pregnant with two, nursing another, being sick, being scared, etc...and that bothers me. if I were a bit stronger. a bit more capable...a bit...sturdier, maybe both would have survived.

I've come to a place of acceptance (and pain) and am doing my best to make peace with the baby that I know felt unloved and unwanted.

I have a feeling it'll take years.

on the other hand...I'm wondering why the baby that's left chose to stay...and doing my best to think positively.

after the Prof's amazing birth (notice I didn't mention anything about the pregnancy being amazing? yeah, I still hate that part)...I was very confident that my body could handle this.

no prob. a little sickness, some hormonal upheavals, fatigue and some stretching...I got this.

now...now, I gotta admit I'm actually a little scared.

something went terribly wrong with one of my babies...

what do I have to do to protect the other?

better

pregnancy does not directly equate to a feeling of impending death, doom and despair, today.

I'll take it.


*knocking furiously on wood that I don't get all nastified sick, again. cause seriously....I really fucking hate that*