return to sender

Dear Mommy,

Give me the spoon. I can do it myself.

Love,
Teh Prof

-------

Dear Professor,

You missed.

Love,
The Floor

-------

Dear Floor,

Don't worry. We've got your back.

Love,
The dogs

--------

To whom it may concern,

How the hell did I get wrapped up in this mess???

Fuck you all,
The Rest of the House

2 cameras

13 hours of driving.
1 father - estranged for 33 years.
1 brother - didn't know he had him until a few weeks ago.
several weeks in the making...

4 pictures. all of them of the Prof trying to steal the car.

we're prolly gonna regret the lack of pictures later.

overall the road trip a la bebbe' to meet the "fam" went really well. no tears, no punches thrown and lots of playing with the baby. the only minor freak out was mine (shocker, I know)...when overwhelmed with a dozen psuedo-relatives pawing up my child...next to a table of food I couldn't touch.

time out. reload. much better.

we saw some of the less savory parts of rhode island (most of it), stayed in an uber fancy hotel (house keeping. you wan' me fluff you pillow?), stopped in Newport on the way home and pretty much had a good weekend away.

nobody fell asleep at the wheel and the Prof cried less than an hour total over the course of 4 days...40 minutes of which occurred at one shot when we tried to get him to sleep in a playpen in the hotel.

he's an awesome baby. already back on normal schedule and napping happily away whilst I unpack and unwind.

oqui's brother and wife are great. climbers, mountain bikers, skiers, ice climbers, mountaineers. live in new mexico.

guess who's checking flights already?

we managed to squeeze a little climbing into the trip. once at an uptight, super soft indoor gym (I was throwing down 10's like it was my full time job) and once outside in the mosquito breeding grounds of Lincoln Woods. there was a creepy photog guy there snapping shots...if I find anything good on his website (ie. a picture in which my ass looks stellar)...I'll post it up.

so in the course of one weekend we managed to gain a brother and sister in law (and their psuedo stepdaughter who is the baby whisperer), a father and step-mother...and about 43 quasi siblings.

not too shabby...


just a little loud.

my baby's cuter than yours is

pre-pea

post-pea




pea shooter

*zoink*

he LOVES tags. tags, tags, tags. he's a tag seeking missile.

I could've saved a bundle at the "tags only" store

first baseball game. iron pigs and Paw Sox. he was AWESOME

feets.

wh, wh...what...what'cha got there, dad?

now, look what you made me do!

don't let a bitch get bored...

at least not with "spike glue" on hand.

that ISN'T the middle finger. I was making the metal sign...swear.

(PS. I totally used to be photogenic.)

he made a funny

yesterday that monkey offered to watch the Prof while oqui and I went grocery shopping.

oqui said, "NO WAY!!! We need him as a buffer so we don't kill each other."


so very true...

and pretty funny.

no siree bob.

we are totally not getting along.

nope. nuh uh. no way, no how.


surprisingly, its really not as fun as it might sound.

I'm over blaming it on "baby days"...that's a cop out. The kid is cute and we should be enjoying this...together. Instead, we're bitching, moaning, whining and nagging (and by "we" obviously I mean him). there are some core attitude and character issues here. discrepancies. disconnects. conflicts.

the true culprit must be identified and anihilated...

cause, quite frankly, this shit is getting old.

the boss o' me

oqui wants me to get a part-time job.

yessir!

I'ma gemme a job, make us some money and laugh OUT LOUD when I come home from work at night to find oqui sprawled on the floor and drooling with the Prof's foot (and/or pee) in his eye.

he has no idea what he's in for. every time I leave him with the baby for a 45 minute run to the grocery store he gives me 'tude for three days following. (by "he" I actually mean the older of the two brats...this time)

I'm bored. I'd LURRRRVE to get my ass outta this house and off boob duty for a few hours a week, but the man has been forewarned...

if he gives me attitude or starts exercising his "moods"...

I'ma cut his face off.

out on a limb

would it be too much to ask for another set of arms?

I'd settle for an extra foot and two more thumbs.

anything. please.

the kid is driving me fruity.

skillz

we have recently acquired the ability to roll onto our tummy within 3.25 seconds of being put down to nap or sleep regardless of any measure mommy takes to prevent it (and I don't want this to get out, but I'm pretty sure I heard whisperings of duct tape and extension cords)...

we have NOT, however, acquired the consistent ability to roll back onto our back,

nor have we gained the necessary patience or skill to remain asleep on said tummy.

in other words...we're fukt.

puke, scream, whine

well. that was short lived.

I am hereby (re)relegated to turkey and rice.



...but it sho was fun.

helloooooooo! out there

I should really post more. I get the feeling noone is actually reading, but I told myself I'd chronicle the prof's days (at the very least) in my blog.

he's cool. he's really really cool.

he smiles and jibber jabbers and flirts and grabs things and laughs when he farts and all that good stuff.

recently he rediscovered his fingers and toes. they twirl, spin, clench, open, grab and apparently are really tasty.

it's wicked cute.

he's really big into his body right now. he twists and bends and curls and stretches. he's not doing anything too much like crawling but he's approximating a pretty good squirm.

so fast. growing so fast.

he still screams bloody murder and gets hysterical when I leave him with my grandmother and he happens upon hungry. oqui thinks I should try to work a little bit. I think oqui's nuts. not going to school in the fall...probably not going this summer, either.

hungry babies are sad babies. I don't want to leave my baby with someone else to get hungry.

speaking of hungry...can I just say amen, hallelujah and holy shit?

yes. holy shit.

I've stumbled upon digestive enzymes and the ability to eat almost anything in eensy weensy quantities.

chickpeas? yup.
chocolate? yup.
cheesestick? ok...that was pushing it and we had some puke and green poo over it...but I'm still feeling pretty spiffy about this morning's sunflower seed butter experiment.

I ate chinese food and my child didn't die.

woot.

we bailed out on the rendezvous. 20 hours of travel 4 nights in a tent and upwards of 40% chances of rain each day.

no thank you.

I got the report that there were other babies there and I felt like a total chickenshit. but...oh well. I'm a somewhat well-rested chickenshit who took a shower or two this weekend.

I don't reek of hippy and my kid is still on a somewhat normal sleep schedule.

win-win.

I'm feeling a wee lil bit inspired (oqui likes to call these days "AC" for after chocolate. it's trully the nectar of the gods). I've got a giant painting project. gonna snazz up some cheapy craigslist furniture and deck out a playroom...

then I'll finish my mother's day photo frames, resew the curtains I mismeasured and screwed royally, maybe (just maybe) clean out my craft cabinet and potentially make some...

pretty stuff.

I'm not getting too carried away here...just being optimistic.

so far I've "wasted" 72 minutes of precious nap painting time...eating, peeing, blogging and oqui'ing (I really do love that he comes home to see us for lunch every single day)...

must to focus.

must to create.

all clear, but still a lil foggy

the prof's eeg was normal. the nurse said, "it isn't seizures...it's prolly just -his way-"


HAHAHAHAHA

so my child isn't epileptic...just a spazz. I could've called that one without 26 electrodes and 45 minutes of blood curdling screams. it runs in the blood...my 13 year old caught it, too (more on that when I'm not disgusted with her grades and choice in boys).

right now the prof is screaming his ever loving head off. he's REALLY not feeling well...at all.

been having boo boo belly for 3 days, now. it's getting old...for all of us.

he wants to eat food SOOOO badly. he mouths and drools whenever I eat and gnaws on his hand after he's done nursing. he's totally not satisfied with just milk, and is starting to balk at rice cereal.

the kid aint dumb. he wants tater tots. I just wonder when (if ever) he'll be able to eat like a normal child/human. if he has celiac's disease...gluten is a no-no forevah. forevah-evah? forevah.

damn.

what will he smear all over his face at his first birthday??? organic applesauce and rice cereal?

fun.
yum.

meanwhile, I want to eat taquitos and rice and beans like nobody's fucking business, but I'll have to settle for rice milk, watermelon and the occassional Puffin.

I'm getting sick of Puffins.

I'm getting sick of chicken...and turkey...meat in general, really. If I could eat beans, nuts and seeds you'd be reading the true tales of an involuntary vegan (I do so love me some dairy) and I'd be exchanging recipes with long-haired folks (men and women alike) who smell ever so faintly of aging volkswagen bus and patchouli.

I want a cookie. a real cookie.


then I want to take a bath in chocolate.

real.dark.chocolate.



fuck. now I'm hungry...and horny.

QoD

this was the question of the day yesterday, posed by my 13 year old daughter:

What would your ideal life be?

me: this one...with a little more money.

I think she might've been slightly disappointed that I didn't say something like astronaut or supermodel, and frankly, I'm a bit surprised that I didn't mention naps or brownie sundaes.

the moral of the story? I'm exhausted and drained...

but pretty much loving my life.



in other news:

-babies do NOT like having 26 electrodes attached to their scalps for brain wave monitoring. he cried so hard during the set up we started to think he'd never trust us again...then he smiled and fell asleep. regardless of what the neurologist says his EEG shows...at least we know he still loves us.

-got the jogging stroller (that we've been researching for weeks) and immediately realized he's a bit wobbly for it. ordered padding and strap covers rush delivery...only to realize the forecast calls for rain for the next 4 days. prolly coulda saved that extra coin for my brownie sundae in a few months.

-hurt my back. hurt my thumb worse. I've got ibuprofen and ace bandages...just glad to be climbing again.

-I don't love my dogs any more. not at all. somebody please take them. soon. thanks.

the "s" word

yesterday the Prof had three of what were very likely seizures.

he's scheduled for an EEG on tuesday.


I think he's fine. I feel he's fine. I BELIEVE he's fine...

but it still scared me shitless and left me crying hours later.



protecting babies is busy work.

cold french fries

do you feed a hungry man on the street?

do you feed a hungry man on the street who doesn't quite ask, but moreso demands your leftovers?

do you feed a hungry man on the street who doesn't quite ask, but moreso demands your leftovers if he's with a large group of wanna be hippies with nothing better to do than taunt the police?

do you feed a hungry man on the street who doesn't quite ask, but moreso demands your leftovers if he's with a large group of wanna be hippies with nothing better to do than taunt the police and obviously has the money to get high and drunk?

do you feed a hungry man on the street who doesn't quite ask, but moreso demands your leftovers if he's with a large group of wanna be hippies with nothing better to do than taunt the police and obviously has the money to get high and drunk and has done so recently?

do you feed a hungry man on the street who doesn't quite ask, but moreso demands your leftovers if he's with a large group of wanna be hippies with nothing better to do than taunt the police and obviously has the money to get high and drunk and has done so recently who yells at your daughter and your friends?

do you feed a hungry man on the street who doesn't quite ask, but moreso demands your leftovers if he's with a large group of wanna be hippies taunting the police and obviously has the money to get high and drunk and has done so recently who yells at your daughter and your friends and then goes on to make rather loud assumptions about your political affiliation?

or do you promise to plaster him on the building front with your second hand volvo if he ever threatens your people, again?

I did neither...and I'm actually a bit disappointed in myself. first, I was a bit upset with myself for not just giving the d-bag the food. I mean...if a dood is hungry enough to (angrily) beg for our leftovers in front of his posse...he's prolly pretty hungry.

but something about him rubbed oqui the wrong way and he told the monkey not to give him the food. I didn't understand his motivation at the time, but I trust him so backed him up. three seconds later I felt guilty.

then I talked with the 'pah and the kid about it (separately, cause the convos had decidedly different tones) and got more and more angry every time I thought about it.

this motherfucker punked me. he threatened my family and called out my kid on the street and I didn't fucking stab him. never mind the initial guilt about ignoring a hungry man (oqui was right. he's the wrong kind of hippy)...now I'd like a redo so I can cut this bitch.

so now here I am...thinking I'm all sorts of tough, and I froze. I couldn't decide in the moment how I really felt about the situation and just...walked away.

turning the other cheek isn't exactly my forte and I kinda feel like a lil bitch for having let it happen.

if that particular mallrat sans mall happens to be in our path the next time we go to the Gunks (oh, yeah...we took the prof on his first climbing trip, btw. and besides the cold fry dood, it went FABULOUSLY)...I'm prolly gonna have to be bailed outta jail.

teh suki will not be made the bitch twice.