dreams

last night I had some doozers.

at one point I was naked in the desert and freezing. I'm guessing this had something to do with me crashing out butt-ass-nekkid ON TOP of the covers...with the light on, no less...

but the over-arching feeling in the dream was one of discomfort and anxiety.

I drempt that something had happened to oqui and I was alone. a particularly insidious ex chose to vantage this and had me back at his place (in the desert, mind you) within weeks. my mom showed up. she said in her mother knows all voice...

I'm surprised to see you here, but if you keep coming back I guess it's what you really want.

I replied with a zombified..."its...just...pretty here."

visually-yes.
emotionally-no.

what a strange ride I've taken over the last 2? 5? 10? 15? years.

having a child at 18 doesn't leave alot of room for uninterrupted personal growth. I've been completely committed to her well-being my ENTIRE adult life.

odd.

my relationships have always involved her as much as they involved me and looking back over them I feel a weird mix of relief, mourning and fondness.

I'm lucky to be where I am. a partner. shared interests. intense love. willing and open communication (ie. a hand around my waist even during an argument).

and petrified that it'll somehow end (and/or change) and I'll be back in the desert speaking zombie.

sometimes I wish I knew HOW to be more independant...so the prospect of losing him wouldn't be so petrifying.

then I think....

nah, being an uber needy social butterfly makes me who I am.




...which, in case you missed it...

is pretty fucking rad.