yeah, yeah...pregnancy. blessing. blah, blah...miracle of life. woodie hoo hoo...power of a woman.
I hear ya...and to that I have only to say:
THAT'S BOOLSHIT!
I don't care how much a woman prays, hopes, wishes and dreams for a child...if that heffa has the nerve to so much as utter anything remotely similar to "I love being pregnant" ...
(which a largely pregnant woman said to me at the playground the other day, and GOD HELP ME...I couldn't keep myself from throwing a punch. thankfully...my heart wasn't in it and I missed her chin by three inches or so. the standers-by thought I was joking and laughed accordingly. grood. didn't really wanna be the ghetto chic scrapping on the tot lot...but, I would've been had that shot connected.)
there are only two possibilities:
1. she's lying through her fat pregnant teeth
or
2. her experience of pregnany is NOTHING like mine.
I love my babies. I *heart* being a mommy...and I whole-heartedly, 100 hunnred percent HATE being pregnant.
particularly largely pregnant, immobile, sweaty, pukey, pee-y, heartburny, hemorhoidy, fat arm-y pregnant...with work to do.
the physical limitations of pregnancy (depsite the whole miracle of life bit...) are basically...
annoying.
I like to bend. I like to stretch. I like to climb, run, ride, drink the occassional naked juice (sake for the rest of you...or at least those of you who weren't privy to the nekkie texts), soft cheeses and high mother-fucking-fructose corn syrup.
I also like to be able to see the nonny...you know, just in case.
this particular complaining jag stems from two things (actually...I had a really good productive day, by the entire time I was out raking leaves, trimming beds, etc...I could think only one thing "yo! I wanna be able to bend, bitches!" thusly, this blog was formed).
the first: we just bought a house and have lots of work to be done. heavy lifting, chemically laden work and I'm not a big fan of having baby duty (born and unborn) while oqui gets to dig shirtless in the yard.
ok, I'm fine with him digging shirtless in the yard, but I'd like to be doing some digging, as well.
and two...I'm big. very big. bigger than I was with either of the others big...and I've still got two months to go.
neither oqui or I can imagine my frame getting any larger. yet,
it shall.
I'm scurred.
oh, and I feel like my insides are leaking out...through my belly button. it's actually painful to the touch...and I have a toddler who insists on touching it 43 million times a day.
BELLY! BELLY! aye aye, belly! BELLY!
he takes great pleasure in sticking as many fingers as he can in what used to be my belly button (my belly button, proper, has now moved three inches north and two inches...OUT).
and heaven forbid I sneeze.
oh god.
when am I due, again?
wait. that's a stupid question.
nobody knows.
*sigh*
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
cake decorating for dumb asses
deprived of any real creative outlet (or, more specifically, the time to attend to the ones I already/used to have)...
I've started taking cake decorating classes. this was probably not a good idea. I'm already frustrated (<----understatement) with the million projects that are floating around in my head but not materializing, and adding another pursuit is probably in bad judgement. but another preggo friend is doing it, its in the evening (ie. daddy'll have to babysit. SCORE!) and since we're both huge, it's not like we can head to a sushi bar, have some cocktails than go scouting for hot guys at the mall or anything...so, despite lacking any passion for this, whatsoever...I agreed to go.
besides, I figured being able to make a really slamming cake would open my hippy gift giving options open. I mean...how many picture frames/cards/name plaques can you get from one person before the charm wears off and they just look cheap?
I've already had two full blown wake me up heart-a-racing cake decorating nightmares.
should a new hobby make you lose sleep? give you the sweats? cause you to curse (more than usual)?
notice the attention to detail...
if not...I'm thinkin' I need to give up on these damn cakes.
however, being a recovering trooper (there once was a day when I considered myself tough)...I decided to give my assignment a whirl and packed up my cake decorating shit (did I mention my bank account got raped in lack-luster pursuit of my cake decorating dreams?) and to head to my mom's house.
my reasoning for going to my mother's house yesterday was twofold:
firstly, oqui needed to paint the woodwork...and no VOC paint wasn't gonna cut it. so to avoid the stank, the Prof and I needed to head out.
the great care with which the icing was applied...
and secondly, I was hoping she'd mind the boy so I could get my cake on.
so.didn't.happen.
four hours in I had nothing but a bowl of batter and some mint and baby poo colored icing.
off to a great start.
then...my mother and her husband split. (not split up...just left) so, I was elbow deep in icing (my lord how i HATE making icing), the Prof hadn't napped all day (ie. he was hella fun to deal with) and she collects antique dishes...which were all readily accessible for the Prof to smash should I take my eyes (or hands) off of him for a second. fun.
in other words...my hands were full/tied and not a damn thing was getting done on my cake. never mind the fact that I lugged 83 pounds of supplies to her house, with her full knowledge that it was to be my cake making day.
siiiiiiiike.
anyway, I managed to at least bake the bitches (her oven is unlevel, btw), put the crumb coat of icing on (for the uninitiated (like me) that means the dirty layer of icing that's supposed to go UNDER your nice clean pretty coat) and loaded up some piping bags with poo-mint.
smooth.
I gave the fuck up. I was gonna toss the mixer, eat the 8 cups of icing with a spoon: on the spot...and pour a bottle of vegetable oil on the floor as punishment for my mom abandoning me...
then something clicked.
this is hard, I thought. I'm no good at this. (actually "suck balls" is the terminology that comes to mind) therefore...
I CANNOT GIVE UP!
I finished the fucking cake.
so much love went into this bitch...I couldn't fit the fuck.
actually, it wasn't a "fucking" cake...but only because I couldn't fit "FUCK" on it...but in the world of happy-shmappy-housewife cake decorating...I'm pretty sure it'd be viewed like a recently jailed whore.
still deciding whether or not to pursue this particular creative "outlet" or not.
like my mother said (her exact words) "FUCK THAT! I like things that provide the greatest effect with the least amount of effort"
word, mom.
I have so many other creative pursuits that are FORGIVING. you make a little no-no and there are 83 ways to fix it.
with cakes...not so much. you can slave and labor and sweat, white-knuckled, over a spatula and icing bag, be 87% on your game and end up with a cake (after 6 hours of work) that's 13% pure horse shit.
ok. so I don't hate CAKES...just decorating them.
sooo...the jury is still out on this cake bidness...
and my blood sugar is through the fucking roof.
Friday, March 12, 2010
yup. it's like that.
fuck my to-do list.
just give me enough sleep, a free hand once in a great while and get the fuck outta my face when I'm obviously going to explode...
and things'll be aight.
...if not, somebody's getting punctured.
just give me enough sleep, a free hand once in a great while and get the fuck outta my face when I'm obviously going to explode...
and things'll be aight.
...if not, somebody's getting punctured.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
status...symbol
I think my doo doo list is supernatural. self-perpetuating. above reproach, reprove or reprieve (mine).
despite my ass-busting efforts, the fucker keeps growing.
work begets work...
thusly, I've decided to eat ice-cream, go for a stroll, take a cake decorating class and let entropy do its merry ol' thang.
Monday, March 8, 2010
to doo-doo
things that MUST be done. today (...ish):
-bathe. oqui had a dream the other night that I was walking around in hotpants leaking spaghetti from my rear with marathon runner's diarrhea. he was horrified as noodles squirmed out of my ass in public despite his efforts to "cover me up for god's sake!". I think the kind sir doth not appreciate where personal hygiene falls on my daily priority list (hey, these mofos gotta eat and there's but so much time in a day)...so I'm gonna take me a nice warm bath. quickly...before the Prof gets up.
-get outside. I'm tired. I'm lazy. this neighborhood is about as visually appealing as a tenement, but it looks kinda nice outside today...so I think we'll go. shame I can't fit the jogging stroller in the car (wait. I just remembered I don't have my car. duh) or I could try to take the Prof for a stroll over roots, rocks and branches in the woods. the back carrier is OUT OF THE QUESTION at 7 months pregnant, though. shit. I can barely walk as it is. mayhaps another time for the woods.
-solidify my plans for the opah's b-day gift. I'm a hippy gift giver (ie. rarely purchasing anything, but making it, instead) however, he's been sending me "hint" e-mails for things he'd like to see me buy. I've got several things up my sleeve, but am having trouble choosing one. just can't seem to pull the trigger. I guess we'll just see, oqui...
-make SOME progress SOMEHOW on the planning of colors, layout, etc with either the nursery, dining room, living room or the Prof's room. this stuff has to get done before a: I give birth or b: we run out of money to finish it (if we haven't already. I think we might have) If I choose just one furniture arrangement or color scheme...I will be pleased.
-nap. I'm really tired.
things to do this week FOR REALZ THIS TIME:
-organize my craft closet. this means putting up some shelves to get stuff out of boxes. I'm feeling creatively bankrupt, the feng shui up in this piece is seriously blocked by all these boxes, and I desperately want to be able to make some inspired decisions. clearing the clutter should do that...
I hope.
-return my grandfather's totes, ladder, utility knives, etc. if that just so happens to facilitate a nice long visit (my grandparents are HILARIOUS)...all the better.
-(joint effort) pick the dining room color. the SECOND dining room color since the first makes oqui puke. again...decision making + teh suki = epic fail.
-get the risers for the Monkey's bed so all the work oqui put into her room the first two weeks in this house isn't wasted because her mattress is still on the floor. I should probably finish sewing her closet curtains and put together her framed artwork, too. we spent $50 on cool fabrics to frame and they are currently chilling in a nice folded pile...somewhere. this is unaccepable.
-install the Prof's new/spare/new baby's car seat. we've already passed the point at which we're able to return it, but I 'spose it'll be nice to know if the bammer fits. it's huge. if you don't want to drive an suv or mini-van...do not have children. I currently drive neither and am having issues.
-SEND THE PACKAGE TO C-LINE!!! I put together some maternity clothes and other goodies for a friend in Texas like, I don't know, two months ago...and have yet to send them. she'll only be pregnant another 9 weeks. I'm dropping the ball on this biotch (the package OBVIOUSLY) big time. it.must.be.done.
but, doooood. I HATE the post office.
-bribe oqui to ship the package.
oh dang. I've done already used up like 93% of naptime and will be hard-pressed to remove the spaghetti from my ass before the Prof wakes up.
see how nothing gets done around here???
-bathe. oqui had a dream the other night that I was walking around in hotpants leaking spaghetti from my rear with marathon runner's diarrhea. he was horrified as noodles squirmed out of my ass in public despite his efforts to "cover me up for god's sake!". I think the kind sir doth not appreciate where personal hygiene falls on my daily priority list (hey, these mofos gotta eat and there's but so much time in a day)...so I'm gonna take me a nice warm bath. quickly...before the Prof gets up.
-get outside. I'm tired. I'm lazy. this neighborhood is about as visually appealing as a tenement, but it looks kinda nice outside today...so I think we'll go. shame I can't fit the jogging stroller in the car (wait. I just remembered I don't have my car. duh) or I could try to take the Prof for a stroll over roots, rocks and branches in the woods. the back carrier is OUT OF THE QUESTION at 7 months pregnant, though. shit. I can barely walk as it is. mayhaps another time for the woods.
-solidify my plans for the opah's b-day gift. I'm a hippy gift giver (ie. rarely purchasing anything, but making it, instead) however, he's been sending me "hint" e-mails for things he'd like to see me buy. I've got several things up my sleeve, but am having trouble choosing one. just can't seem to pull the trigger. I guess we'll just see, oqui...
-make SOME progress SOMEHOW on the planning of colors, layout, etc with either the nursery, dining room, living room or the Prof's room. this stuff has to get done before a: I give birth or b: we run out of money to finish it (if we haven't already. I think we might have) If I choose just one furniture arrangement or color scheme...I will be pleased.
-nap. I'm really tired.
things to do this week FOR REALZ THIS TIME:
-organize my craft closet. this means putting up some shelves to get stuff out of boxes. I'm feeling creatively bankrupt, the feng shui up in this piece is seriously blocked by all these boxes, and I desperately want to be able to make some inspired decisions. clearing the clutter should do that...
I hope.
-return my grandfather's totes, ladder, utility knives, etc. if that just so happens to facilitate a nice long visit (my grandparents are HILARIOUS)...all the better.
-(joint effort) pick the dining room color. the SECOND dining room color since the first makes oqui puke. again...decision making + teh suki = epic fail.
-get the risers for the Monkey's bed so all the work oqui put into her room the first two weeks in this house isn't wasted because her mattress is still on the floor. I should probably finish sewing her closet curtains and put together her framed artwork, too. we spent $50 on cool fabrics to frame and they are currently chilling in a nice folded pile...somewhere. this is unaccepable.
-pull up the carpets while oqui isn't here to stop me. we're just stalling (cause it's going to be WICKED expensive to remedy) BUT we both hate it. the color all but destroys the extreme awesomeness of our new spiffy gray living room and...it smells like old lady carpet powder. I'ma just do it, then we'll have to deal.
speaking of dealing:
-finish removing the wallpaper from the entry hallway. I went low (ie. did what i could reach without a step ladder because I'm about as coordinated and graceful as a 3 minute old giraffe) and oqui was supposed to go high. I think I shall FORCE him to go (and/or get) high. whatever works to get this damn paper down.
-install the Prof's new/spare/new baby's car seat. we've already passed the point at which we're able to return it, but I 'spose it'll be nice to know if the bammer fits. it's huge. if you don't want to drive an suv or mini-van...do not have children. I currently drive neither and am having issues.
-SEND THE PACKAGE TO C-LINE!!! I put together some maternity clothes and other goodies for a friend in Texas like, I don't know, two months ago...and have yet to send them. she'll only be pregnant another 9 weeks. I'm dropping the ball on this biotch (the package OBVIOUSLY) big time. it.must.be.done.
but, doooood. I HATE the post office.
-bribe oqui to ship the package.
oh dang. I've done already used up like 93% of naptime and will be hard-pressed to remove the spaghetti from my ass before the Prof wakes up.
see how nothing gets done around here???
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
because I've over facebooked it...
I'll put the 83 things I'd like to post there, here...in one convenient, not as creeperish place.
-I've now eaten enough chocolate today to make my heart feel as if its going to explode. my fetus is freaking out and I think I'm going to puke. way to go, suki.
-I still want to murder my child for being an irracible prick today (and the reason I almost killed his baby brother via chocolate). I think I want to murder his sister, father, great-grandmother and 923786 cousins, too. It's like that.
-to gym or not to gym? I may puke. the Prof will very likely make me want to stab him, again, and I'm feeling waaaaaaaaay too fat to put on stretchy pants.
-e-bay can suck it. I remember a day when a "vintage" nursery rhyme book was:
a. actually vintage and NOT from the 1980's
b. less than $43
c. cute
- the nursery can suck it, too. the child will probably be all fucking spazzed out from the amount of chocolate his mother consumed during her (lovely) pregnancy...and will never. ever. sleep. I'll just build him a cage, instead.
- my nutritional status for the day = white-trash, ghetto-fied, pre-packaged, preservative and sodium laden bunch of non-food shit. stress, I hate you.
- my hand hurts. bad. how to climb lugging an extra 20 pounds of (dimpled) ass with a bum thumb?
-my arm hurts too. angry typing, fuck you.
-I want more money.
and finally...
fuck the world.
amen. goodnight. suck a fat one.
-I've now eaten enough chocolate today to make my heart feel as if its going to explode. my fetus is freaking out and I think I'm going to puke. way to go, suki.
-I still want to murder my child for being an irracible prick today (and the reason I almost killed his baby brother via chocolate). I think I want to murder his sister, father, great-grandmother and 923786 cousins, too. It's like that.
-to gym or not to gym? I may puke. the Prof will very likely make me want to stab him, again, and I'm feeling waaaaaaaaay too fat to put on stretchy pants.
-e-bay can suck it. I remember a day when a "vintage" nursery rhyme book was:
a. actually vintage and NOT from the 1980's
b. less than $43
c. cute
- the nursery can suck it, too. the child will probably be all fucking spazzed out from the amount of chocolate his mother consumed during her (lovely) pregnancy...and will never. ever. sleep. I'll just build him a cage, instead.
- my nutritional status for the day = white-trash, ghetto-fied, pre-packaged, preservative and sodium laden bunch of non-food shit. stress, I hate you.
- my hand hurts. bad. how to climb lugging an extra 20 pounds of (dimpled) ass with a bum thumb?
-my arm hurts too. angry typing, fuck you.
-I want more money.
and finally...
fuck the world.
amen. goodnight. suck a fat one.
buckshot update
a very quick and completely INcomprehensive update (before the Prof gets his hands on another power tool or permanent marker):
-IT'S A BOY! we found out (finally) last week. small fry has a pecker. we also found out that small fry was measuring VERY small fry. couple of moments of panic (amnio suggested, chromosomal defects mentioned, etc)...then some relaxing and trusting...followed by a few days of low-grade (yet persistent) concern (not gonna lie, despite my efforts to accept and relax I lost alot of sleep)...then finally, a call from the midwife yesterday, who, apparently, had an at-length discussion with the perinatologist, told him he got it ferhoodled, the DATING is wrong and small fry is actually developing-perfectly-normally-average-fry.
grood. now, I can eat chocolate and climb without feeling like the devil.
-I'm finally pregnant. hard to get up off the couch. feeling fatigued and my ass has gigantor dimples in it (NOT something I'm thrilled about, mind yo). too hungry to cut back on calories, too exhausted to exercise. just gonna have to ride this one out and maybe buy bigger pants. not too terribly worried...
its all good as long as I keep my pants on.
-home improvements are moving along at a good steady pace. me and the 'pah created a master schedule/list o' chores and have been steadily knocking things off. we picked AND applied a color to the dining room (which, coincidentally is NOTHING like what we thought we'd get). we've got the living room color picked, and just need to finish banishing the wallpaper from our existence. yeah...it'll be a while.
-climbing again! yay. last week we went 3 times. felt.fucking.awesome. I even got up to climbing an overhung brown (5.9ish), but I think in the last 3 days I've become too pregnant for that. I still wanna keep climbing, but have a feeling I'm going to have to put my ballz back in (ballzout!) and just diddle around a little for relaxation. climbing to remove ass dimples at this stage in the game is ill-advised :(
-the Prof is advancing in leaps and bounds. UNBELIEVABLE the skills he's acquired in the last week or two. he's pushing his crib around the room, saying, "uh oh!" shaking his head no and saying "nuh uh" at me when he's about to do something naughty, saying "no touch!" then touching anyway (getting the theme here?). he's made all sorts of progress...and is more dangerous than ever. he now climbs ONTO the dining room table...where he tends to find sharpies, screwdrivers, drills and other contraband. our toddler proofing efforts are going to be stepped up a notch this weekend.
ie. I'm going to get MYSELF a padded helmet and hope for the best.
-nursery planning has come to a screeching halt. mainly...because I kinda had a feeling it was a girl. so all my super secret-kept to myself plans are no longer appropriate (much like the vintage pink plaid dog I bought). I'll have to regroup and come up with some more pecker-friendly ideas. BUT...since I, apparently, have an extra (lovely) three weeks of pregnancy to prepare (fuck that. I don't wanna gain more weight)...
we should have plenty of time.
-actually, advice needed:
do I make one sleep room that the boys share and then make the spare room a play room???
-or-
do they each get their own sleep/play space?
I see the advantage to having separate sleep space, but really feel like the play space should be shared. we only have four bedrooms...so I don't have a spare there. we do have the spare family room but it is ANTI-child proof. tile floor (with radiant heat, so carpet wouldn't be an energy-efficient choice), fireplace, climbable cabinets...and it's a stairway removed from the kitchen. (only a concern while preparing meals. they'd ruin the place).
the (currently) spare bedroom would make a nice playroom. bright, cheery, soft carpeting, etc. It does have some built-in climbing apparatae (ie. shelves) that I'd probably have to remove, but I could otherwise pad the walls and feel relatively confident skulls weren't being busted.
the small fry will very likely spend the first half a year sleeping in our room, so the sleep sharing room wouldn't need to happen until (hopefully) the lil' booger was a little more consistent and less likely to wake the Prof 83 times a night (I, on the other hand, will definitely still be awoken each night a plenty).
so...yeah. thoughts?
I've never done the two small children thing. I, honestly, have NO idea what the hell I'm doing...
ps. re: the dining room color. it was supposed to be green. honest.
-IT'S A BOY! we found out (finally) last week. small fry has a pecker. we also found out that small fry was measuring VERY small fry. couple of moments of panic (amnio suggested, chromosomal defects mentioned, etc)...then some relaxing and trusting...followed by a few days of low-grade (yet persistent) concern (not gonna lie, despite my efforts to accept and relax I lost alot of sleep)...then finally, a call from the midwife yesterday, who, apparently, had an at-length discussion with the perinatologist, told him he got it ferhoodled, the DATING is wrong and small fry is actually developing-perfectly-normally-average-fry.
grood. now, I can eat chocolate and climb without feeling like the devil.
-I'm finally pregnant. hard to get up off the couch. feeling fatigued and my ass has gigantor dimples in it (NOT something I'm thrilled about, mind yo). too hungry to cut back on calories, too exhausted to exercise. just gonna have to ride this one out and maybe buy bigger pants. not too terribly worried...
its all good as long as I keep my pants on.
-home improvements are moving along at a good steady pace. me and the 'pah created a master schedule/list o' chores and have been steadily knocking things off. we picked AND applied a color to the dining room (which, coincidentally is NOTHING like what we thought we'd get). we've got the living room color picked, and just need to finish banishing the wallpaper from our existence. yeah...it'll be a while.
-climbing again! yay. last week we went 3 times. felt.fucking.awesome. I even got up to climbing an overhung brown (5.9ish), but I think in the last 3 days I've become too pregnant for that. I still wanna keep climbing, but have a feeling I'm going to have to put my ballz back in (ballzout!) and just diddle around a little for relaxation. climbing to remove ass dimples at this stage in the game is ill-advised :(
-the Prof is advancing in leaps and bounds. UNBELIEVABLE the skills he's acquired in the last week or two. he's pushing his crib around the room, saying, "uh oh!" shaking his head no and saying "nuh uh" at me when he's about to do something naughty, saying "no touch!" then touching anyway (getting the theme here?). he's made all sorts of progress...and is more dangerous than ever. he now climbs ONTO the dining room table...where he tends to find sharpies, screwdrivers, drills and other contraband. our toddler proofing efforts are going to be stepped up a notch this weekend.
ie. I'm going to get MYSELF a padded helmet and hope for the best.
-nursery planning has come to a screeching halt. mainly...because I kinda had a feeling it was a girl. so all my super secret-kept to myself plans are no longer appropriate (much like the vintage pink plaid dog I bought). I'll have to regroup and come up with some more pecker-friendly ideas. BUT...since I, apparently, have an extra (lovely) three weeks of pregnancy to prepare (fuck that. I don't wanna gain more weight)...
we should have plenty of time.
-actually, advice needed:
do I make one sleep room that the boys share and then make the spare room a play room???
-or-
do they each get their own sleep/play space?
I see the advantage to having separate sleep space, but really feel like the play space should be shared. we only have four bedrooms...so I don't have a spare there. we do have the spare family room but it is ANTI-child proof. tile floor (with radiant heat, so carpet wouldn't be an energy-efficient choice), fireplace, climbable cabinets...and it's a stairway removed from the kitchen. (only a concern while preparing meals. they'd ruin the place).
the (currently) spare bedroom would make a nice playroom. bright, cheery, soft carpeting, etc. It does have some built-in climbing apparatae (ie. shelves) that I'd probably have to remove, but I could otherwise pad the walls and feel relatively confident skulls weren't being busted.
the small fry will very likely spend the first half a year sleeping in our room, so the sleep sharing room wouldn't need to happen until (hopefully) the lil' booger was a little more consistent and less likely to wake the Prof 83 times a night (I, on the other hand, will definitely still be awoken each night a plenty).
so...yeah. thoughts?
I've never done the two small children thing. I, honestly, have NO idea what the hell I'm doing...
ps. re: the dining room color. it was supposed to be green. honest.
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