trial (by poo) and error

this child...this beautiful, precious, adorable little child...can be infuriating.

last night (or should I say the butt crack of dawn?) he decided he didn't want to sleep any more. not at all. happy as a clam as long as he was attended and...

awake.

hell, no, buddy. mommy's running on about 3.75 hours of sleep and since I don't exactly WANT to go psycho...you best go back to bed.

nothing doing.

I tried. oqui tried. I tried. oqui tried. the prof ripped his diaper off in the crib...oqui went back for his turn at trying to put the baby's lights out (ooooh! if only it were as easy as a switch!!!)...

didn't realize the prof was bare bummed, and got a shot of whizz in the grill.

I heard only, "WHAT THE FUCK!" over the monitor. it was late (or early). we were both tired, but it struck me as wrong that yelling, cursing and banging be involved in the back to bed ritual.

I told oqui as much...in my very tired, not so nice, middle of the night (or extremely early morning) way.

then a few hours later I ate a whole shitload of crow when I proceeded to (despite my efforts to control myself) punch the shit out of the attic door...

twice.

infuriating.

so, I vented my ire, went into his room for the 24o038479182730245th time hoping that I was devoid and rid of excess frustration and found myself unable to approach him with patience. there is a limit...and I suppose after nine months, I reached mine this morning (oqui, on the other hand, reaches his daily...a trait I would like to also have an off switch).

I finally gave up/gave in and brought him to bed with me. I'm not particularly adverse to him spending some nap time in our room, but this morning I was sooooooooo tired and sooooooo frustrated...it took a good long while and a few zillion deep breaths to find the place of tolerance necessary to put up with him climbing all over my face and head butting me.

I did a whole lot of thinking whilst he thrashed about fighting sleep.

firstly...why the fuck was he fighting sleep? yeah, it makes me mad. yeah, its annoying...but more importantly, what's the cause? and how do I fix it? this kid has been sleeping like a champ (I, quite obviously, have not)...and all of a sudden sleep is the enemy even when exhausted.

this strikes me as being a problem much bigger than my own puny frustrations. unfortunately, since the Prof has not yet acquired a working knowledge of the english language...this one's gonna remain a mystery to me.

awesome. fixing a problem with an unknown cause...like making gluten free cupcakes. yeah, you can TRY it...but it never turns out right, and leaves a yicky taste in your mouth.

then, I did some thinking about selflessness and sacrifice. it seems to be my running theme. I've been a mother my entire adult life...and have always ALWAYS always...put my needs second to one (or both of) my children.

its not difficult. it doesn't require thought. its innate and just happens.

oqui has more difficulty with it. firstly, he was an only child. an only child with an emotionally manipulative, immature and overly sweet, guilt bearing mother.

oqui...was the center of that woman's universe for way too many years. she was a single mom who worked two jobs to put him into a private school that...once again, created the illusion that he was, indeed, the center of the universe.

he didn't have to share toys...a room...a car...his mother. it was all him, all the time...and I often boil with rage towards his mother for leaving me with her legacy.

now, don't get the impression that I'm taking the blame for his actions from him. I'm not. nor am I really condemning him, here. I'm just stating my understanding of the situation.

I have more practice with the selfless thing.

oqui's an awesome dad. he's loving, involved, playful, concerned, helpful...all the things a mother needs from her partner to get through the rough days with a completely dependent lil' leech around...

but he also has another side. the child side. the side that never left the egocentric stage. the part that sometimes has trouble putting other people first...particularly when tired, in need of and wanting attention itself. the part that speaks louder than reason...and is much quicker on the draw. the part...that lacks self control.

its a hard thing to learn if you don't have to do it...and even harder to learn on the fly when you suddenly do.

and boy do we.

it occurred to me that in raising this child I try to dig deep into myself for the best little bits. the bits I want him to incorporate into his personality...take with him down the road. the parts I'd be proud to see him emulate.

its alot of introspection. self-analysis. sacrifice and giving.

and it takes a damn high toll.

but what else are we to do when he whines while he eats? refuses to sleep. insists on pulling hair, breaking glasses, touching outlets???

respond with frustration, impatience and anger?

as much as that may be what I feel...instead I smile and sing. laugh and cajole...

sometimes, seething on the inside that this little other continues to punk me.

but I chose to bring HIM here. I invited a soul that needed love and affection into my life. I asked for one who needed what I felt we have to offer...

never knowing how much he would trully push us.

willful. stubborn. fits.

my cousin is visiting with her baby, three months older than the prof. her baby listens. he defies in a way that you expect from an infant...

then draws the line.

he's never pitched a fit, while mine tosses his head, arches his back and bangs his head on the floor at the slightest provocation.

my baby waited until the last possible developmentally appropriate second to smile socially.

a booger from day one.

a rebel and a brute.

but what potential I see in him...amazing possibilities.

do the sheep and lambs rule the world?

my little lion, if handled properly now (and btw...any suggestions on how to properly handle him now would be greatly appreciated!)...could do such amazing things.

I've always known willful children are difficult to raise, but fun to watch grow...

but...

damn. we're tired. we're running low on reserves...and being tested in ways that no mountain bike or rock climb could ever do.

we're being forced to grow up, ourselves...

in order to raise him.