do not want.
I don't want to be pregnant. in fact...(keeping it real here)...I don't want another baby.
do.not.want.
not at all.
call me selfish. call me careless. call me completely fucked...but that's how I feel.
I've already got a baby and he requires a good dose of attention and care...and frankly, that's about all I've got in me.
I want just a smidge of my life back. I'm not talking cocktails, tailgating, and my figure. all completely meaningless, pointless and not of my concern.
my desires are way less superficial and much more basic.
I want sleep. strength. health and exercise.
I want to climb. I want to ride...and I want to be able to nap after doing so.
I haven't slept through the night in 16 months. its driving me absolutely fucking crazy (obvious much?).
I am tired. I'm weak. I'm dizzy and I'm nauseated enough to consider killing myself and this embryo.
don't want.
(un?)fortunately, I'm of the moral fiber that abortion isn't even close to being an option. I'm BY NO MEANS a conservative, christian or even particularly judgemental...
but I can't do it.
wish I could. (REALLY wish I could)
can't do it.
my body can't take much more of this. I don't do pregnant well. I'm sickly, drained, bedraggled and ill.
I look like I'm dying. not exaggerating that. oqui actually apologized to me the other day for killing me...slowly...via pregnancy.
I FEEL LIKE I'M DYING.
the newborn days and nursing were no better for me. I couldn't eat like a real person for a year. always fatigued. always exhausted. trouble breathing.
I'm convinced I've digested portions of my heart, lungs and liver.
I'm not strong enough to do this, again. honestly...my body (and mind) have had enough.
I've been a parent my entire adult life. even before the technical start of "adulthood."
I want a break.
I need a break.
I DON'T need another baby....and there's nothing I can do about it.
1 comment:
You are much tougher than you think. You were a parent at age 18. You've raised a fantastic daughter, with equally good moral fiber. You've perservered through your second child. And although there were certainly times during that pregnancy that you thought the only way out was death, or a good stabbing of the dad. But you pulled through, had an incredible home-birth that we should cherish. But no the test was not over, we have a child that demanded much from someone that thought they had little. You dug deep and had to put up with rice3 and turkey. And now, finally able to eat again you are being put through yet another test of strength and mental fortitude. But I know the real you. You can complain and 'bitch' with the best of them, just ask a mid-wife. But I know you have what it takes. You can eat regular meals again, the boy is eating well and appears to have rid his belly of food intolerances, plus, while demanding, he is one cool dude...thanks to your dedication and love and sacrifice.
You will pull through, you won't be sick the entire time and when they are both old enough, we can leash them together so they don't wander too far off before tangling themselves on a tree, while we climb.
One last time to dig deep and know that the family will be better off, well-adjusted and thoroughly loved.
Our lives have been on hold, but our old lives.
A break will come. We will build a family in a new house and get back to doing the things that brought us so close so quickly again....
Post a Comment