guilt

don't I feel like an asshole?

worse, still...don't I feel tremendously, heart-wrenchingly guilty?
yup. sure do.

we found out last week that I was pregnant with twins, but one died.

died...right about the time I wrote my hateful, selfish "do not want" blog. I KNOW I was overwhelmed; physically, emotionally, mentally...and now I know why.

but I also know that I was so reluctant and hesitant to accept my fate that I forced the little soul right out of one of my babies.

now, I'm not feeling self-indulgent and whiney, here. despite many people's attempts to convince me otherwise...I know what I did. I'm taking responsibility.

I didn't have enough. I couldn't handle being pregnant with two, nursing another, being sick, being scared, etc...and that bothers me. if I were a bit stronger. a bit more capable...a bit...sturdier, maybe both would have survived.

I've come to a place of acceptance (and pain) and am doing my best to make peace with the baby that I know felt unloved and unwanted.

I have a feeling it'll take years.

on the other hand...I'm wondering why the baby that's left chose to stay...and doing my best to think positively.

after the Prof's amazing birth (notice I didn't mention anything about the pregnancy being amazing? yeah, I still hate that part)...I was very confident that my body could handle this.

no prob. a little sickness, some hormonal upheavals, fatigue and some stretching...I got this.

now...now, I gotta admit I'm actually a little scared.

something went terribly wrong with one of my babies...

what do I have to do to protect the other?