blue's clues

I said to the dogs, "behave! we're only going to be RIGHT NEXT DOOR. in fact, RIGHT OUTSIDE THIS WINDOW. don't do anything dumb...I can sense your energies."

gave them both dirty looks then left them there, uncrated, to stop in on the neighbors' barbeque.

an hour later...we came home to blue's clues.

the lil' son of a bitch had torn apart not one, but TWO pens (I'm convinced he ate the disposable first, and having not gotten the desired effect (of ink all over the house) dug through drawers, bookbags and attaches until he found a fountain).

living room rug- destroyed.
guest room carpet- stained.
master bedroom carpet- equally stained (yet strategically so, so as to set-up the innocent dog who usually sleeps there).

pawprints EVERYWHERE. (you gotta find the next pawprint. that's the second clue. then you put it in your notebook, cause they're whose clues? blue's clues)

oqui found the first trail leading into our bedroom and called down, "IT WAS COOKIE!" I asked him if she had any ink on her and found it strange that he replied no.

hmmm...pawprints abound, but no ink on the dog??? (then you find the last pawprint. that's our third clue. (blue's clues. blue's clues))

as oqui scrubbed his way through the house, I fed the baby (I ALWAYS feed the baby. feed the baby. feed the baby. nurse the baby. feed the baby. nurse the baby, etc).

he came downstairs (just loudly enough to wake the then sleeping baby) with a dog under his arm and an incriminatingly blue paw held high. (sit down in your thinking chair and think. think. thiiiiiink.)

suspect apprehended. (when you use your mind. take a step at a time. you can do...anything. that you wanna do)

he was tossed in the bathtub with no regard for his debilitating fear of it (he had it coming) and given the scrubbing of his life. and more scrubbing...and scrubbing, scrubbing...

long story short: the dog came somewhat clean, as did the hardwood. the rugs are toast (which certainly won't help me sell this house) and the dogs are goners.


but...it really was kinda funny.

if you don't have anything nice to say...

say nothing at all.

hence my lack of blogging for the last week and a half or so.

I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I really don't like the way things are panning out.

I'm scared this isn't going to get better...

and, unfortunately, I'm almost at the point of not giving a fuck.

it's getting dangerous. I know it is because I don't even feel like talking about it, anymore. my rantings, ventings and ravings are my outlet. when I don't care enough to do that...

well, its nearing the point of not caring at all. the emotional shut-off valve.

if my words aren't being heard. my requests going unanswered. my pleas and concerns temporarily placated, but not resolved...eventually I'm going to stop trying.

we've entered the days of long walks...alone. phones on vibrate. lacking eye contact.

there's a pattern. one I'm not fond of. it's bad. I say I'm hurt. there's sympathy. its better. its bad again.

frankly, I'm getting tired of it. last night I told him (again) that I DO NOT ENJOY conflict. it IS NOT a release for me. I DON'T DO make-up sex...or make-up anything else, for that matter.

being impolite doesn't make me feel better about myself the next day. "having it out" only makes me not want to have "it" at all.

he doesn't believe me when I say he goes looking for trouble. that when he's frustrated he picks on me until the inevitable fight occurs...then he feels better.

I don't.

he better start believing me. he needs to listen.

I told him I'm not in the business of trying to change people. the choice is his how he wants to behave...but then the choice is mine whether or not I'm willing to live my life that way.

I've done the drama thing. sometimes by my choosing (bad relationship that lasted way too long) and for 15 years NOT of my choosing. I grew up in a household where the so-called adults had little or no emotional control. fits were common. displaced anger. unhealthy communication. I spent the first half of my life wishing I could leave.

I'm a big girl, now. If I have to...

I'll leave.

moving sale

I'm getting rid of everything I'm not currently wearing or sitting on.

consider it a ritual cleansing.

I'm gonna blow the craigslist server.

EVERYDAMNTHING is going.

goinggoinggoinggoinggoing...going.

if you are in need of a particular item...chances are I have two or three in my basement, attic or shed.

place your requests.

everything goes.

end of the line

well, folks...

that's it. we are officially and completely out of money. in fact, we're so out of money we're in the red. way red. super mega galactic red. we're so red its black and blue.

we gave it a good run and tried like hell to hang on to this house, but we're at the end of the line.

I'm not sure whether it'll be sold, foreclosed, bartered, traded or nuked...but I'm done pissing my kids' futures away on a mortgage that yields me absolutely NOTHING in equity.

the neighborhood is gorgeous and the schools are awesome...but when my daughter needs $2,000 worth of textbooks her first semester of college (god knows...by then they might cost more)...

I'll be damned if she has to borrow to buy them.

looking at apartments. reducing expenses. going to school.

making this future thing happen.

climbing like monkies

I'm proud of my daughter.

she led her friend on a pretty fast-paced hike (including two hanging wire water traverses)...

to the crag.

she then reached the top of every climb we put her on...and asked to do it, again. (this had NOTHING to do with the ice cream bribery, I'm sure).

she hiked on out with a pack and a climbing rope on her back with an air of confidence I'm not used to seeing in her.

it was cool to see my kid handle herself with such self-assurance...

even cooler to see her climbing and carrying a rope.




...there is hope for her yet.

karmic bitch slap

I need to realign my energies.

the universe is getting back at me.

for me...it tends to manifest itself in physical, more specifically, mechanical ways.

the volvo is in a bad way. after having the timing belt and water pump replaced less than a month ago, the something or other cam, hydraulic, exhaust crank whatchamajigger in close proximity to said belt, is now blown, as well.

blown on the way to west virginny, but I'm soooo not ready to talk about that disastrous fiasco, yet. maybe never.

on the way to pick up the dying grocery getter...a stone cracked oqui's windshield...

right in my face.

I saw it coming about 45 seconds before it happened. I knew.

I also know where this is heading. If I don't correct my cosmic swirl...this could get bad. really bad.

times of transition and indecision tend to bring about this energy for me.

I'm done trying to figure out the signs...I'm just gonna (very calmly) look inside, figure out what I WANT and project a positive future. I know how powerful my mind is. I delivered a baby in less than 3 hours with literally NO PAIN.

full moon is next tuesday. I can reign this in...I just have to relax.

wrong move

what was supposed to be a quick drink and a song or two has turned into six hours at a concert with the boys...

while I'm at home with the baby...

when our relationship is at an extremely fragile juncture...

when we JUST HAD this fight three days ago...

when I'm feeling a bit insecure about this whole gig and he knows it...

bad move.

there's no way in hell I'm marrying someone so hell bent on acting like a bachelor.

I am soooo not the wait at home with the baby while her man parties type.

I'm half tempted to be gone before he gets home...only thing stopping me (in this as in all things) is the sleeping baby.


I'm over the arguing bit. I'm done with drama. I'm not gonna fight.


it was just a really bad fucking move.

wedding's off.

better that way.

give it a whirl

we're going to west virginny to "climb" this weekend.

taking both kids.

packing all my barely edible rice products.

hoping to avoid any and all contact with bees...

and gonna pretend I remember how to climb.

gonna be exhausting beyond all comprehension. next monday should be interesting...to say the least.

in the meantime I MUST start making invites and get a good start on the web-site.

time's a'wastin'

vegetable tray.

first course:

holy shit

people REALLY get into this whole wedding planning shit. so not my deal. I intentionally picked a date less than two months out so I can get it done, over with and look at the pictures when I'm feeling the need for a wedding fix.

seriously, I don't do details, and I'm not so good with stress (I function really well, but at the expense of the heads and necks of those around me)

there are about 40 bajillion bridal blogs out there.

women obsessed. its like they haven't gotten over the childhood wish to be princesses, fairies and daddy's little girl and are now acting it out on their poor fiance's.

lame.

fortunately for me...my mother is one of them and is doing all the legwork for this here shindig.

all I have to do is open my email several times a day and say yay or nay.



...we're getting alot of nays.





...and we're broke.


oh yeah. I still have a baby, am still getting ready for school, still hate my dogs and still want nothing more than to be rid of this house.

.

oh man.

fuck this.


...vegas, again.

I'm cheap, I know it. I like to show it...

called about the dream venue...cried, sighed, sobbed and begged.

got 25% off and some free rental equipment.

I have two months to plan and execute the perfect wedding for about 100 guests with a miniscule budget.

good thing I'm a crafty bitch.

I'm on it.

seek and ye shall find

found a bigger barn.

love it.loveit. love. it.

can't afford it.


...thinking vegas.

toast

no alcohol. no partying past sundown. nowhere to put my ginormous family.

actually, my family will fit just fine...as long as oqui's family doesn't come.

they don't really need to come. I don't like them anyway. and after all:

ITSMYWEDDINGMYWEDDINGMYWEDDINGMINEMINEMINEMINEMINE

so, theres my audition for bridezillas.

think I get the part?

really though...this planning thing SUCKS!

we're at the paring down of the guest list stage, and even after placing friends and relatives into three tiers and hacking off the bottom one...

his family's still there.

psych. I axed them and he doesn't know it yet.




...I need a bigger barn.