I've found it.

the single least flattering pair of shorts I've ever worn.

I thought velour would never be dethroned as the all-time making my ass look the worst victor...

but these shorts take the horse pooky.

I'll wear them with pride as I walk the ghetto streets of little dominico...

DARING some fool to whistle or blow me kisses.

I guess I should blog.

nah.


just revisit a few choice old ones and you'll get the jist.

nothing new brewing.

perspective

something about the sheer volume of stars contained in the new england sky.
something about the company and comfort of two giggling little girls and the man I love.
something to do with the open and welcoming homes of near strangers who spent an entire week perfecting the birthday meal of a child not their own.
something to do with finally finding a place where I want to spend the next five or six decades of my life...

and who I'm going to spend them with.

I'll provide a trip update once I've slept another 8-10 hours and reacclimated to this state (physical, emotional and geographical).

hope you all had a great weekend...

because I just had one of the best ones of my life.

lick my taint, mold.

you bastard spores. stop invading my sinuses and making me sleepy.

quit with the snot.
the itchy eyes.
the sinus headache.

and the yicky mood caused by all three.

stop effing with my mucus membranes and get out of my house, car, environment, life.

go to that bastard ex-boss of mine's house. you know...

the one who still owes me a few grand? yeah, that one...

go there and fuck with him, instead.

children smell funny

particularly when they're all lined up in a small hallway, shoes off, ready to be weighed...

but god damn did I missed them.

today was my first day back. I was the "resource room" teacher (no room, as usual overcrowding in this district dictates) at an elementary school. that means I got to take the learning support kids to the side of the room and harass them individually for the majority of the day.

some of them...the lights were on, but nobody was home. I feel for those kids. they try so hard steam comes out of their little ratty ears, yet no forward motion is obtained.

I hope there is a (safe and welcoming) place for them in society when their school days end. nowhere else can I imagine they are taken to the side and offered the special help they need (but can't always utilize) to do the most basic of tasks.

pity.

in other news...I looked fucking fabulous today. very much like my soon-to-be 12 year old but fabulous (fabulous entails crappy hair, droopy eyes and a few skin blemishes these days. right?), nonetheless.

half of my outfit was hers.

don't tell her that. I got home before her and returned all of her clothing, smelling only slightly of naughty mommy, to her closet.

I'm already planning which of her outfits I'll be wearing tomorrow.

in other (other) news...oqui and I went for a tiny little spin yesterday.

my god...the man is sexy on a bike. I remember thinking the first time I saw him at the rock gym "stop being a pussy and just climb it"

wait...I'm pretty sure I actually yelled that at him, as well. (come to think of it, the second time I saw him I think I stuck out my tongue, threw a few zingers at 'im, and probably threatened him with a smack or two)

but...on a bike, he's confident, strong, sexy, determined, way faster than I am and all smiles.

he wants to race. I want him to race.

but I want him to do it in a downhill helmet.

his noggin is fairly precious to me. (as are other portions of his anatomy, as well).

I've been hesitant to spout off about him here because I know some people who read this might take offense...but, as I've said to myself time and again.

this is my blog, dammit.

and today I'm going to act like it.

I'm ridiculously in love with this man. I don't know where it came from, or how I was lucky enough to find it...but there is a connection between the two of us that can't be denied. I'm not sure that I've ever felt this strongly about another person that I haven't given birth to myself.

Starting our relationship as friends and climbing partners was one of the most carefree, effortless things I've ever done. we clicked...from moment one.

the metamorphosis to something more was (although ill-timed and less than socially acceptable) was exactly the same. we knew. others knew. it is and has been like the universe was trying to make this happen.

I just regret not having spent the last 10 or so years with him. I'm upset that I'm meeting him this late in the game. we're in our 30's...we've only got about half a century to go.

I would've preferred a minimum of 75 years together....but I'll take what I can get.

I hate that this causes Mark pain, though. He and I had a strong connection almost from the beginning, as well...and I'm sadder than words can describe about the fact that our relationship has changed the way it has.

I want him to be happy. I want him to find with another woman what I have with Oqui. I want him to be healthy and focused.

I want him to make fantastic art.

BUT in other (other, other) news:

I've found my dog Nandie's spot.

I can make his leg go with almost zero effort.

the dog...

will be tortured incessantly until I tire of these shenanigans.


If you're religious...pray for him.

the hits just keep on coming

I got a raise.

I'll now make as much as a daily sub as I would have last year as a contracted long-term sub.

it's still poo.

but 35% more poo.

I'm going to treat myself...

goodwill, here I come!

relief

I just found out that I don't need to wait for my fbi clearance to start working.

I was hired before the act went into effect.

I can start working monday.

the pay is (and always has been) poo...but its enough with help.

amazingly...

I'm no longer, nauseous.

amen.


EDIT: and if that weren't enough relief in and of itself...I just got the interview call for the parenting program.

*doing a little dance. doing a little dance*

.

I was so upset this morning. I couldn't take it.

so I took a nap.

now, I'm awake...and still upset.

I need money. I need money, quickly.

the apartment that we found is the only one that will allow us the dogs (maybe allow us the dogs) and the manager is seeming an awful lot like he's going to back out.

says he's phasing dogs out.

I need to give him a deposit ASAP to cement our place in that building...and I don't have a dime to spare.

oqui's in a mess having to pay rent at two places and has absolutely nothing to spare, either. he just took a second job. unbelievable that he has to do that...while I'm still looking for a first.

so much stress.

I have to borrow money. I HATE borrowing money...and if the house doesn't sell...I lose the deposit and have no quick and easy way of repaying the loan.

not to mention I won't be able to afford the mortgage and will continue to not have a place of my own to live.

I sent resumes (not enough) yesterday. there was a job I'm really excited about. I called and spoke to the hiring manager. let her know my info was coming. I'm a little disappointed that she hasn't called me to schedule an interview.

I'm qualified for this one. I swear it.

I have to send fifty zillion more...and try not to get nauseous every time I sit at this computer.

my dogs (both, I've discovered) are chewers. they've eaten both their beds, shredded a camping pad for sleeping and devoured random assorted miscellaneous items that were none of their damned business (thank you very much!).

I think I might have to kill them. particularly since the hub now says he can't/won't take them if this apartment falls through.

I'm going to scream.

I really am...

going to scream.

odd

I need to motivate myself. I've got alot left to do.

I want to find a super productive place inside myself where it just...flows. I've been getting plenty done, but not enough.

while it feels like things are moving along at a fair clip...I still woke up this morning feeling alone. lonely. confused (I didn't know where I was and was wrapped like a corndog in the duvet cover. scary). a little hurt and very scared.

such strange dreams.

I haven't spoken to my friends in months. only one showing of the house. disjointed living arrangements.

I don't even pet my dogs.

I'm ready for this to end.

an ode to noogie

I had sex in your hot tub.
and at your wedding reception.
and in your mom's shower.
and on your bed.

and while you were going for ice cream...

yeah, I had some sex then, too.

I had sex while you were putting your kids to bed.
I had sex while MY kid was in bed.
I had sex on the floor in my mom's spare room.

I had sex with the lights on.
I had sex with my shirt on.
I had sex with my dress up...

and left ass prints on the wall.

I did it while you were at work.
I did it when you weren't.
I did it with the dogs watching...

and the neighbors, too.

I've done it sober, drunk, straight and high.
I've done it in tents, vehicles and in the ocean.
I've done it 11 times in one day.

I've gone months without it.

I like it alot...sometimes I like it more.
I like to do it when its raining.
I like to fall asleep right afterwards.
I like to keep my eyes open.
I even like to bite.

yet...as much, and as many ways as I love "it".

I love you even more.

my boobs

the rash has all but disappeared from my arms, thighs and elsewhere.

and has relocated to my face and boobs.

yeah. I'm slamming hot.

*gags*

they're giving him a girl

she moves in monday.

seat five feet from his.

he's scheduled for an hour to go over supplies, show her around and introduce her to the "oqui-goodies".

she gets to spend 8 hours a day observing his creative process. she doesn't have a penis.

I....do not think I like this.

I quit.

that's right, folks. I give up. for the next oh....I'm guessing about 18 or 19 hours...

I give up.

I bought a can of diet coke and broke open the bottle of vanilla vodka.
I had a bowl of shephard's pie and two handfuls of chocolate chips.
I had a peppermint patty...and I'm contemplating the purchase of another.

my body...is no longer my own. I'm turning it over to the forces of Stolichnya and York Peppermint patties.



today...has been weird. as. fucking. shit.

signs



I met Oqui at a cutesy little park for lunch today to cheer him up (being that my uber bitchy moon induced mood wore off on him). we ate sammiches. fed ducks. chased squirrels...or at least WANTED to chase them...motivation lacking, we just kinda made faces and weird noises. we toured the caboose (pics for sale). visited the chocolate factory...and discussed climbing and riding.

it went a little something like this:
me: I don't think I want to climb or ride for a while.
him: hmm...why don't you want to?
me: its not that I don't want to...its...just that I...don't want to.
him: well, you have to do something. I guess we'll hike.

the discussion continued to include some speculation as to why I "don't want" to ride or climb. there's the "my body is just telling me not to" theory...there's the "it's just too hot" theory. there's the "I'm lazy. leave me alone" theory...there's the "I overtrained and it was bad for me" hypothesis...so on and so forth. yada yada blase blah.



then...we turned the corner.
him: you see that?
me: nope.
him: (pointing to HUGE RED LETTERED SIGN) that.
me: oh. "do not climb," eh?
him: is that a sign or what?
me: yup. it's a sign alright.
him: no (dumbass)....a sign.
me: oh. oh, my god! well, I guess that answers that.



roger that, universe. no climbing for a suki.

but...why, I ask? I don't want to sound ungrateful, oh great undeniable forces of the cosmos...but can I maybe get an explanation? is it his finger? am I going to fall? is it bees? you know I hate the fucking bees...

what is it?

so, while I've accepted my gut feeling (and the red lettered sign from above) and won't be planning any climbing for a bit...

I'm still stuck with the why's of things.

and speaking of things...



I came home to one of these today:

I guess that means that once I shake off the hangover I'm undoubtedly going to give myself...it's go time for my currently unemployed ass.

cleaning. showings. money. job. moving. (bed chewing) dogs.

but...that is all for tomorrow's planning and acting.

tonight...it's just me, diet coke (<---poison. I'm trying to poison myself), and a bottle of fermented something or other.

some people...

I'm sitting in the surgicenter waiting room. brought a friend for an out-patient procedure.


being a good girl. honest (that's why the nurse gave me chocolate).


so why is it that the SECOND I stepped off the elevator two women in the waiting room commenced to snicker, giggle, talk smack and otherwise try to intimidate me?


a. its not happening. I'm tougher than I look, heffas.
b. how miserable/bored/insecure/just plain full of hate must you be to instantly jump all over someone for sport, ya jackasses?

I had to reign in my emotional reaction QUICKLY...because I was about to hand my purse to my girlfriend and start swinging on these rude ass bitches...but the softer side of suki stepped in and said, "relax. they don't know any better. remember...these could very well be the girls you want to teach."

so I changed 'tac and decided to NOT let them affect me at all. I failed miserably at that effort, however. they DID affect me.

I turned their negative energy into my most positive flirty possible self and started working the room. I made nice with the nurses, other patients, people bored off their asses waiting for loved ones...anyone and everyone ('cept for the slant faced mean bitches) got a dose of suki sunshine.

I guess eventually they felt a little left out. one of them tried to make eye contact and smile at me. I'm not gonna lie...my first thought was to either roll my eyes at her or just plain ignore her....but I decided against it and flashed her a grin.

I didn't wait around long enough to see if she smiled back...mainly because if she had the audacity at that point to give me a mean face...I'm not sure that I would've been able to remain civil. it was that kind of day for me.

I hope I modeled some decent behavior for them at least.

because if I didn't...it would've been much more satisfying to actually slap one of them. that 10 or 15 minutes of charm was about all I had in me today, though.

my. day. sucked. ass.

let me rephrase that...my attitude about and during my day sucked ass. it wasn't so much what happened as how I reacted to it. I was stressed, spazzed, teary-eyed and impatient.

I hate that. I tried breathing exercises. I tried to meditate. I tried to vent. I tried to identify the cause of my anxiety...only to find out that three dozen different things popped into my overly-busy little brain. I tried everything I could think of to relax...the only thing that finally did it was a nice long walk with the dogs probably because I had just exhausted my energy reserve.

the consequence of my four hour long spazz attack...I'm totally spent.

I'm going to go for a road ride (yicky, yicky, poo poo) just to make sure I spin out the rest of the baddies...and then I'm having a drink.

I don't like feeling this way, particularly after having such a productive day yesterday.



I wonder what its like to be stable???

I'd like to suki size that, please.

today...was a good day.

it started out...not so good (fight with the hub. found out I can't sub for two or three months waiting for a shitey clearance. realized I have ZERO dollars to my name. had to come to terms with giving up the house...and discovered my "poisonous" rash had spread to cover 40% o' me body).

an overly caffeinated mug o' fresh goodness (earl green, I love you) later...and it was all uphill from there.

today I:

-called ginger about a job
-called krystal about several jobs
-called jocelyn about a job
-found 18 (count 'em...18 jobs I can apply for. one of which (parenting program for homeless moms) I even want)
-found my state and child abuse clearances
-registered with the state for an fbi clearance (or at least I THINK I did. their system sucks)
-cleaned the whole house (notice I say "cleaned" and not "organized" there is still a boatload to be done to sell this biznitch)
-got the listing contract
-weeded the yard
-walked the dogs
-verified with my doc that I do, indeed, have poison and not a syphilitic rash (who was worried? a rash on my crotch from peeing in the woods (or was it a public toilet seat to blame?) I wasn't worried...)
-made dinner
-baked muffins (how is NOT a good day when there is baking involved)
-visited my grandparents and dropped the bomb. my grandmother's response was "do you have a man? that'll make it easier. is it that guy I saw? good. he's really hot." go grandma.
-did NOT continue fighting with my mother
-spent some quality time with the kid and the mutts (I heart the afterschool gossip hour over cut apples and soy milk)
-folded some laundry
-and listened to n'sync b/c it was the only cd left in the house

minus the n'sync...the latter part of my day was probably one of the most satisfying, productive few hours I've experienced in months.

I love summer for what it is...lazy days. lots of travel. late nights. freedom, freedom and more freedom...

but I love the school year for the structure, family dinners, pumpkin baked goods and focus it brings me.

I usually suck at transitions. at the beginning of every other school year I always spent a week with a bottle of vodka mourning the loss of the company the kid provided all day long. now she's so independant that I saw her for breakfast, a late lunch and SOMETIMES dinner for the last 10 weeks. the hourly phone calls (mom, I'm at julie's. mom, I'm still at julie's. mom, we're having some cereal...and we're still at julie's) were nice...

but having her come home after school and actually SIT DOWN at the table with me...

now that shit is priceless.