buzzers. beepers. monitors. paging and intercoms.
we spent new year's eve in the ER with the Prof.
vomitting, fever, general pissed-off-edness.
long story short...
the kid's allergic to me.
ok, not ME, exactly...but something in my milk. fortunately for us, we had absolutely the best pediatric resident on the planet.
he's about 4'11", speaks in a heavy duty asian-like accent, has a smile bigger than a clown...and is my new favorite person on the planet, because...
he just happened to have gone through the same thing with his wife and daughter recently, and actually knew what he was talking about.
his demeanor was such that I actually CONSIDERED switching to formula, based on his experience. any other doctor who would have suggested it, might've been instantly stabbed.
but, coming from this funny little man, I'll consider it should shit really hit the fan.
he had oqui come back into the ER the next day to give him some info he had at home...and a can of his own $50 formula.
this stuff is like rocket science. list of unpronouncable ingredients 5 inches long. I've been staring at it, holding it, contemplating it for the last 60 hours.
its a last resort. I DO NOT want to go there (besides, we couldn't afford $600/month for it, anyway)...
but the next time I accidentally put something in my mouth that's gonna make the prof's intestines bleed for 5 days...I know I have a supplement while I pump.
speaking of pumping...I'm disappointed that every hard fought ounce of expressed milk in my freezer is now completely worthless to us. he can't drink it.
this whole thing has been kicking the shit outta my lilly white ass. all the pain (just because I promised on here never to complain about breastfeeding, again...doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt like hades). all the fussing. lack of freedom. restriction. self-doubt.
all for the lil' man. breast is best. breast is best. breast is best. breast is best.
we know it in our bodies, souls and spirits...so when our child gets ill from our breast:
it's a little heartbreaking.
doubt, questions, guilt.
what if I'm doing this for MY OWN good? what if I'VE got something to prove?
what if not being exposed to my allergens really IS best for him?
so I continue to nurse, surviving on chicken, rice and apples...and hope that the Prof is really gaining some benefit from this.
...all the while, I'm staring at that can.
4 comments:
The can may end up in the can. It is truly a science experiment with the entire periodic table listed as one of the ingredients.
For the Suki: The frozen milk supply was not for nothing...I got to watch.
You are doing great. Be strong for all of us. Besides, chicken is grood. Rice is nice.
Tomorrow we shall attack trails like the elderly!
if our kids knew how much we struggled over decisions like this, how many hours we spend trying to figure out which way would benefit them the most, and how we agonized over their pain and suffering, they wouldn't be so quick to think we're oppressing them when we tell them to turn off the tv.
or maybe they would. lol.
I clicked on your blog for the first time in weeks/months and wanted to chime in to say Happy New Year. Keith, who never blogs anymore, said the same (the Mr. and I had dinner with him the other night and the not-blogging thing came up and he asked if I ever read your blog anymore, hence the visit :) )
First off, your Santa letter had me in stitches. Thank you for the laugh.
And--I think I know about the Golden Formula. My sister ended up having to give it to her son, who was allergic to her as well. I'll ask her where she found it the cheapest if you end up having to take that horrendously expensive route to infant gastro-health.
(((happy new year teh suki!!))))
is it that albuminem (totally spelled wrong..) stuff? We had a brief spell of connor not keeping food in but it lasted a few days only. Nothing like this.. and I remember it being outrageously expensive. Like who can afford this stuff?!?
Anyway I'm sorry you ended up in the ER but you struck gold with the amazing fun sized lil' intern doc. There is hope for medicine after all! Let's hope he doesn't get jaded down the road after he's a doctor:)
Remember don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing everything in your power and then some..it's impossible to ask for more. You're human, you know.
xo
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