fuck it.
weaning this child is just not working. NOT WORKING AT ALL.
fuckitfuckitfuckitfuckitfuckitfuckitfuckit
he's stopped sleeping through the night, waking every two hours...or worse: MORE FREQUENTLY. how do you wake up more often than that??? it takes an hour to get up, get fed and get back to sleep...
how?on?earth?can?you?expect?me?to?keep?waking?up?and?not?go?fucking?bananas???
last night was sheer unadulterated torture. we went to sleep around 11 and he got up at 1 smiling, giggling, wide ass awake. we admired the moon for a bit. ok, I admired the moon, he mostly contemplated his left fist and worked up a poo...which soon worked its way out of his diaper.
then...he started screaming sometime around 3, and well, quite frankly, I don't remember much else after that. it totally blew ass.
was it because we left him with aunties Debbie and Mary and they gave him a bottle? was it simply because we left him? did the formula make him hate the world? or does he just hate the world for sport?
last night he scared me. not because I thought something was wrong with him (I know something is wrong with him)...but because the way he was screaming made me feel like he was atune to some danger or evil that I couldn't sense. he was warning screaming and I couldn't figure out whether to pick up a mojo stick or which way to run. I was too scared to be alone downstairs with him (wailing his head off). the dogs told me to go fuck myself and hid under a bed.
what kind of juju was working up in this piece last night???
we are now oh-for-six-thousand on attempts to wean him. he hates us.
fuck it.
I want to nurse him. he wants to nurse. problem (sorta) solved.
I'm sick to shit of rice and chicken, but he's obviously not willing to give up his food of choice just so that I can have mine.
awesome. now, not only can I not leave him with a sitter for more than two hours, I get the added stress of wondering if my next bite of food will send him into anaphylaxis.
the pediatricians think I'm a whack job. FUCK THEM. if they are so keen on bending infants to their will...let them bend their own. I'm not a big fan of fighting with my 3 month old.
all told this is looking like 2 years gone. outta my life forever. totally stripped of the foods, activities, sports, sleep, etc that I thrive on. I don't even feel like getting freaky.
I suppose it doesn't make much difference...
I didn't have a real job and was a pretty sucky athlete, anyway.
3 comments:
Don't throw in the towel just yet.
We just need to slow down on our weaning attempts...take baby steps...fuck a goat.
Of course, if I have to go into work feeling like I did this morning every day, then we're in more trouble than you think.
what towel?
everything was incinerated when I blew up the house.
problem solved.
Hi Suki,
I came across your blog via Big Mike's blog, and I've been reading here for the last few days or so. I feel bad for "lurking", but I didn't want to post without having an idea of where you're coming from.
I'm so sorry that this has been so hard. I haven't had the same experiences as you, although I do know I had a bad dose of PPD after my second. We have our own challenges, different from yours, but I do understand getting to the point where you feel like you just can't take it any more.
I can tell that the Prof is very much a wanted and loved baby, and I know it's hard when it seems like he doesn't know that. The freaky screaming reminds me of some freaky moments with my own (aforementioned) and I still don't know what that was about (he's 6 now).
I noticed you took Laureen's advice and checked out foodlab - I'm so glad you did! I'm a member too, and I hope you are able to find some help there. They're a great group - they ask the hard questions, but I think you do too, so I'm hoping you'll get what you need. :-) I'm still learning, so I'm not much help.
Sorry for the essay. I really just wanted to check in and send you good thoughts. How are you going today?
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