I am...how you say??? not so happy.

3am. wide awake. reeking of smoke...

no clue what to do with myself. I just finished watching a love story (bad move. bad, bad move) and have that slightly unsettled feeling that crying in front of an electronic device tends to leave one.

so there's that. and...

ME HAVING ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE.

I "quit" my job, as much as a sub can quit, a wee bit more than half a day ago...and can honestly say that I'd be quite satisfied living out the rest of my natural life without ever teaching another day. it effs up my chi. particularly in this rathole of a district.

I did myself a favor today. I escaped. I started this blog at the advice of a friend who wanted me to chronicle my debacles (ha! say that out loud) in teaching...but haven't been able to find the reserve of inner...something...to actually do so. too difficult. those stories...and the retelling of them has quite literally WORN. ME. DOWN.

I teach. scratch that. TAUGHT special ed. kids in need and I'm right there to help. took me a few months to realize, though...

i was no help. how shit-damn-awful a realization is that? KNOWING. finally coming to realize that something you're supposed to be good at. something that you do better than most...something you were trained to do..results in your efforts amounting to nothing.

nothing but you crying in your car for hours after work everyday and bruised shins (they bite. occassionally kick, as well).

I went back and visited my emotional support (read: super duper messed up kids who break your heart because you KNOW their chances are slim) kadiddles today. restrained one during a tantrum. got a headbutt to the ear, a bite to the fist...and quit.

quit. quit. quit.

I can't do it anymore. I took a week off in hopes of recovering some calm. cool. ability. and found none. too soon? maybe. too late? most likely.

so I'm left with:
a. feeling like a shitheel for walking out on "my" kids...whether I've met them yet or not
b. zero idea what I actually AM good at
c. blood letting from my ear and hepatitis (ok. maybe not) from my bitewound.

jesus fucking christ...

I never should've dropped out of med school.