today sucks...but a little less.

dreary days are known for sucking monkey balls. we know this. add to the general monkey balled-ness of this weather the fact that I'm nursing a crisis, and its no surprise to me that I gave in to my one steadfast concession to depression.

I busted out the knee brace. I have a closetful, and today, in giving in to this funk o' mine (ie. ACCEPTING the ever-present pain in the knee as opposed to my usual approach of 'what knee?") I reached into the closet, grabbed the first durable medical device (insurance term. I'm telling you...I have ALOT of these things) that the very tippy tip of my fingers could reach...and strapped that puppy on.

now I'm limping...and somehow that makes me feel better. I'm also feeling better because I KNOW what's funking me up. I've recognized as my long-time nemesis and at least don't have the uncertainty of "why do I feel so darn pooey, anyway?" career and I have not been buds. I've worked a total of 9 full time months in my entire life...and hated every one of them.

part of it is me (I suck at conforming). part of it is me being a mother. its hard to build a career on part-time work with summers off, but I know my priority. the kid. she may very well be my only one and I intend not to miss a single moment unnecessarily...like for something as seemingly insignificant as...oh, say...a livelihood. *gasp. choke. cough*

so while I didn't do myself any favors today reading a love story (bad move. bad, bad move)...I did myself right by cooking a good healthy(ish) meal. eating til my belly hurt of food NOT purchased already prepared and glancing through the pics yet to be uploaded from my camera.

where I found these lil' gems:

the monkey on the right is turning 18 today. when she first came into my life she was no older than my daughter now. a pumpkin. a peanut. a tiny little shnook. and then it hit me...

while I may feel almost worthless in the world of productive career oriented adults...I did good by these kids. I've done at least SOMETHING right. how lucky am I, at my age, to have an 18 year old "daughter" ready to go off to college, so full of potential, so completely awesome that I can't stand it? dood...that alone is worth being broke, dependant and misguided. dev, alanna and bayl alone would be worth working the meat slicer at arby's.

so I've accepted that I won't be making the who's who list of young entrepreneurs (like thats the first who's who list I haven't made! hahahaha) and we won't be taking that three week vacation abroad I would've liked...I don't have to kill myself about being a perpetual under-achiever...

at least not for another couple of years, anyway.

I should also add: as karma would have it, while I'm soul searching trying to figure out what I WANT to do...I decided two things. I need to stop eating like a pig out of self-pity, and I really like climbing (which leads me to a bouldering comp I'm going to register for, but that's another blog).

as if on cue...I got a phone call to help out at our local gym next weekend. ok. I'll do it...and another phone call to start working at another gym.

the pay is poo, but the stress is low...and its certainly not a 'career' move, but it gets me out of the house and my own head...and maybe I'll get to play with some kids.