this is a place for me to express myself, right? a place I lead my friends/family/others of interest to to learn more about me. a place to put my thing down and get shit off my chest.
so where do I go when I need to get some shit off my chest about them?
I gave it all of three seconds of thought before realizing...that place is right here. the people who I've led here to share this with me...have to take me as I am (this will become a running theme, you'll see); flaws, opinions, arrogance and all.
tonight I felt ambushed. attacked. ferhoodled and kerputzed. I felt like my friends had it in for me. I didn't like it all. I was accused of lacking humility, attacked for my lifestyle (YOU don't have to work full time), and generally treated as someone who's unstable and isn't capable of making smart choices. again with the I didn't like it all.
as with most anything in life that upsets me, I went to insta-introspection trying to figure out what it is about the way that I act that led to something like this going down. what is it about the nature of my relationships that puts me into positions like this. why do I get nagged en masse until I want to cry?
and I think I've got it.
I care too much what others think. I'm needy. I want their support and in soliciting it...I lose footing as a competent adult. add to that my typical cavalier nature (trust me guys. I stress, too. I just don't do it like you do, maybe) and I come off as an arrogant know-it-all who doesn't give a shit what the world things is proper.
from now on that assessment'll be right on one count:
I love you guys, but I think it's time for me stop giving a shit (or at least start giving a smaller one). I've got to be more independent...in so many ways its almost unthinkable.
I'll still ask for your advice when I need it (and that'll still be quite often), and I'll still do my best to respect it...
but I'm going to have to focus on being more independent. more of a loner (that thought alone makes me cry, again. this is going to be a long ride). less reliant on others' opinions. I remember a day when I told the world to kiss my ass and made shit happen...
I think its time for me to pony up and make shit happen again.
1 comment:
Well you've always been unstable, I got that about you in the first week of knowing you. hehe
Seriously though, you are who you are. If someone that knows you, doesn't get that by now, then they really don't know you and probably never will. Sure there's always something about ourselves that we can change, but that's just the course of human nature.
I like teh Suki for who she is. Don't go changing who you are completely because of whatever happened. Strive for a middle ground maybe?
Anyways, just some thoughts from one unstable atom bomb dropping mutha fucka to another.
Post a Comment