I'm sitting in the surgicenter waiting room. brought a friend for an out-patient procedure.
being a good girl. honest (that's why the nurse gave me chocolate).
so why is it that the SECOND I stepped off the elevator two women in the waiting room commenced to snicker, giggle, talk smack and otherwise try to intimidate me?
a. its not happening. I'm tougher than I look, heffas.
b. how miserable/bored/insecure/just plain full of hate must you be to instantly jump all over someone for sport, ya jackasses?
I had to reign in my emotional reaction QUICKLY...because I was about to hand my purse to my girlfriend and start swinging on these rude ass bitches...but the softer side of suki stepped in and said, "relax. they don't know any better. remember...these could very well be the girls you want to teach."
so I changed 'tac and decided to NOT let them affect me at all. I failed miserably at that effort, however. they DID affect me.
I turned their negative energy into my most positive flirty possible self and started working the room. I made nice with the nurses, other patients, people bored off their asses waiting for loved ones...anyone and everyone ('cept for the slant faced mean bitches) got a dose of suki sunshine.
I guess eventually they felt a little left out. one of them tried to make eye contact and smile at me. I'm not gonna lie...my first thought was to either roll my eyes at her or just plain ignore her....but I decided against it and flashed her a grin.
I didn't wait around long enough to see if she smiled back...mainly because if she had the audacity at that point to give me a mean face...I'm not sure that I would've been able to remain civil. it was that kind of day for me.
I hope I modeled some decent behavior for them at least.
because if I didn't...it would've been much more satisfying to actually slap one of them. that 10 or 15 minutes of charm was about all I had in me today, though.
my. day. sucked. ass.
let me rephrase that...my attitude about and during my day sucked ass. it wasn't so much what happened as how I reacted to it. I was stressed, spazzed, teary-eyed and impatient.
I hate that. I tried breathing exercises. I tried to meditate. I tried to vent. I tried to identify the cause of my anxiety...only to find out that three dozen different things popped into my overly-busy little brain. I tried everything I could think of to relax...the only thing that finally did it was a nice long walk with the dogs probably because I had just exhausted my energy reserve.
the consequence of my four hour long spazz attack...I'm totally spent.
I'm going to go for a road ride (yicky, yicky, poo poo) just to make sure I spin out the rest of the baddies...and then I'm having a drink.
I don't like feeling this way, particularly after having such a productive day yesterday.
I wonder what its like to be stable???
3 comments:
"...I wonder what its like to be stable???"
It seems that despite how you may feel, you haven't lost your sense of humour... ;)
hang in there Suki... good on ya for not caving into the easy "come 'ere while I poke you in the eye" response.
I hope today is a good day for ya.
g.
I'm so glad you're not posting this from a holding cell as a result of rearranging some faces. Way to choose the healthier, less prosecutable path!
It's always a hard task to let go of other people's negativity and not let it affect us. It sounds like you did the best you could with what you had at the time, and no one could ask for more than that.
Like you said, it's not what happens to/around me - that's just life on life's terms. What's important are my reactions to those events over which I'm powerless.
And if you were stable, there'd be horses living in you, and that's just bound to be crowded and steeeenky.
I do not know what it is like to be stable
but I do know what it is like to have a bad day
no I have never been diagnosed with cancer
no I have not ever lost a limb
no...
okay...
I am stopping
but I have had some bad days
I have had surgeries
I have been in the back of ambulances
but
I have come back
no... not like the Phoniex back from the Ashes
like life
the ebs and flows of life
one or two bs
I do not know
you are passionate
as was told to roy in blade runner
the flame that burns twice as bright burns twice as quick
high highs can not be maintained
not everyone gets high highs
maybe just the manic people
so be happey you get the high highs
but
you also have to deal with the low lows
some things in life induce low lows
and sadly
sometimes low lows happen just on their own
but work through it
the high highs are just around the corner
sorry... I may be way off base
but I am a tad manic at times
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