superficial thy name is suki

apologies for this blog totally sucking horse sac as of late.

I find that to stay positive I have to remain so close to the surface that I'm not actually sure its me I'm describing or something just outside of myself...

or I get to the core and show alot of ugly.

I've deleted a few. I'm started (and subsequently abandoned) a few dozen more.

I guess its just a rough ride I'm on now...and I guess I'm just a wee bit on the emotionally volatile side (<----holy understatement, batman). but, for those of you who really do like to know what's up in sukiville...I'll sum it up: -a few months ago...I was chugging along, married to a wonderful guy, who I really do love...but not sharing any interests with. I wasn't UNhappy, but I was at the point where I realized I probably wouldn't want to have children...and that scared me. I've ALWAYS wanted more children...
-enter oqui. an excellent friend and super close climbing partner. our time together was pure and innocent. we played. we bonded. we climbed.
-welcome to rumney. fourteen thousand people (and their dogs) pointed out the fact that he and I were in love. apparently they could see what we hadn't accepted...
-now to the emergency room. something about being so utterly vulnerable and scared brings clarity. I recognized AND accepted that I was in love with this man...and, paper gown and all...started making plans on how to proceed.
-enter the "d" word. I came home. I 'fessed up. "honey, I want you to know that I haven't slept with anyone, but if things keep going the way they are...I will" he agreed to divorce.

fast forward...
with the planning under way. the marriage winding down. the house waiting to be sold...oqui and I started making plans with each other.

planning where to live. kid. dogs. school district. money.

STRESS

we've had some rough times coming to terms with what all of that means (ie. we'll both need to work our asses off and curb spending like a mofo)...and, I can't lie...

it was almost too much to handle at times.

I found myself in a position where I was losing not only a marriage to an awesome guy...but what I thought my future was going to be, as well.

things were (/will be) rough.

my husband is handling this extremely well. I think he and I agreed that maybe we were supposed to just be really good friends and NOT husband and wife. despite the fact that I'm leaving him for another man...he's still got my back.

he's willing to help me get on my feet. he's willing to let me cry when things aren't going well.

he even went to get McDonalds.

(^ that's a good man, right there)

and this is completely unfair to him. its one thing to come clean...its another to rub the nose of a good man in dirty business.

so I'm doing my best to find a way to wrap things up...get out on my own (hah!)...and stop hurting those around me.

oh yeah...and I'm having a crisis b/c I turn 30 in HOURS...not even days at this point...mere hours.

while I feel younger than I have in years...

I still have to face the realization that I'm smart. capable. mature...

and only make 12 grand a year and cry when I have to go to work.



I think I'm going to need to dye my hair.

pink would look good on me, right?