I'm completely numb.
emotionally...I can hardly feel a thing. and when I do..its sad. physically, I feel the same way. driving home yesterday I lost the feeling in my hands and arms. there I was, driving along at a respectable (and legal) 57 miles an hour...staring at my hands in disbelief wondering:
how can my arms be hollow?
I guess its because the rest of me is, too.
this...this THING is just so horrible. falling. apart.
home. family. values. security. trust. love...all concepts I don't know if I can believe in anymore...
full circle.
I feel like I did 11 years ago. broken. confused. disappointed. scared. depressed...but different.
11 years ago I didn't have a choice. 11 years ago...I was left behind. 11 years ago I was on my way out of here. away from this town...everything ahead of me. 11 years ago I had HOPE.
now...I've fucked it all up. career. relationships. family.
and I'm left with nothing but a feeling of failure. hope, at this point would be an unrealistic fantasy. and I'm back. right back where I started...
and I created it all myself.
marriage killing monster.
faith destroying bitch.
3 comments:
Stop beating yourself up.
You need to be reminded right about now that going after happiness is not evil. Living without being alive is not noble.
Hang in there. It will get better.
Please, Suki, put down the two-by-four. :-( The world kicks our asses enough without us adding our own boots (or bike shoes)into the mix.
Feeling sad is appropriate here. So is feeling afraid. So is feeling angry. There are no inappropriate feelings; there are just feelings. And feelings aren't facts. And they pass into other feelings, sometimes even into happiness, serenity and joy.
Change is frightening, but also necessary. You can find hope again. It's wherever you left it when you let it go...
Remember what I like to say: when God closes a door, He always opens a window... unless He farts, 'cos He finds this really funny!
Keep on moving...
forward.
Post a Comment