my bebby's ok

last night I was BEYOND upset. fussed and carried on. voiced the opinion that this pregnancy is (and I quote) "A HUGE FUCKING MISTAKE!!!" and said, "well, then we never should have done this!"

I couldn't visualize anything positive about having another child.

not a thing.

all I saw was burden, responsibility and fear.

then my uterus started to hurt (I had it coming)...

and I started to worry that the sprout (I think I'm sticking with sprout over squirt. it just feels right) decided I was unworthy and was going to make its way on somewhere else.

so I calmed down. I touched my belly and tried to send reassuring vibes. I was still pretty well worked up, so I failed miserably...and my tummy kept hurting right on through the night.

I was afraid with every pee that I would regret those thoughts and words and see blood.


nope. the sprout is fine. insisted on hearing the heartbeat again today...just as a reassurance...

and lo and behold, the lil' feller is still there.


it decided to give me another chance...

and I decided to stop fussing and appreciate what I have.


I also found out that what I suffered from during my first delivery (most of which I don't remember between convulsions and drugged-up-edness) was probably pre-eclampsia.

so that's that. no more stress for me.

none. none. none.

I want to stay low risk and deliver this baby at home (wherever that may be)...

comfortably. securely. safely.


in the scheme of things "losing" a house is no big deal (its not like its being stolen from us...we're just selling it for peanuts)...

losing a baby would be devastating.