there are few things in life more excruciatingly boring and torturous than a middle school spring concert (one of the few being an elementary school spring concert. 3rd graders shouldn't be allowed ANYWHERE NEAR a snare drum, violin or piano)...many of which I've had to endure.
this year's concert was made even more dull, bloody tear inducing and uncomfortable than usual by the fact that I'm pregnant...and, owing to such...
angry, miserable and mean.
also nauseous. did I mention nauseous? with hands smelling of freshly chopped onions...
this particular concert almost had an encore performance of suki solo-vomitting.
out of the 300-something kids performing that night...I'm gonna go with 4...MAYBE 5...of them actually having any talent. one girl...voice of an angel. I swear when she opened her mouth to sing it was like listening to disembodied spirits.
happy ones.
her solo lasted all of 18.3 seconds...then it was back to torture.
then there was the orchestra. I...I...I...can't even begin to describe how tremendously awful this group was. out of tune, off tempo, squeaky, horrendous, shrilling noises...that went on forever.
and ever.
and (motherfucking) ever.
the only saving grace of the orchestra's waaaaaaaay too extended time on stage was the conductor's pantylines. I found myself obsessed with this woman's underwear. probably because I could see, through the glory of stage lighting, the outline of her entire set o' drawers. it was almost worth the cost of admission (free) to find 14 minutes of sheer, unadulterated idiocy as I stared at, and subsequently lost my mind in this woman's ass.
when it was the band's turn to torture us...once again, oqui saved my life...or at least kept me out of jail and the headlines...with one simple observation.
every time the girl on percussion dutifully banged her cymbals...her hair flew up in a giant puff.
I've never found myself more enthralled with a musical performance. I broke out in a cold sweat in anticipation of the next crescendo...
all in hopes her hair would go berzerker, again.
ooooh, and it did.
over and over and over and....
I peed myself a little in my fit of uncontrollable laughter. I honestly...
COULD NOT STOP LAUGHING.
a few parents (maybe those of the talented children???) were getting annoyed with my seemingly inappropriate enjoyment of the performance...
but most just giggled, turned away and resigned themselves to 40 more minutes of torture without knowing what was so damn funny.
I cheered like a retard when the final cymbal bash came...
and her hair...was stuck to her forehead.
that may be the closest in history a shitty middle school band has EVER come to a standing ovation.
I am TOTALLY making my kid play percussion, now.
3 comments:
Ohh! I feel your pain. I played flute and my last name began with a C so instead of sitting up front we sat in the back. They organized by letters of the fucking alphabet not instruments- first red flag. At least I knew I sucked so I mimed playing ( could, I was sitting in Siberia) b/c I was civic minded like that. I saved eardrums.
I kinda want Connor to play drums but Brian insists he'll play guitar like him. He already has him looking at Die Kreuzen posters. Little punk.
Every afternoon for 45 horrible minutes I listen to my 9 year old son go through his 15 minutes practice on the piano, violin and trombone. Next term he's bringing home a double base. The interminable tinkle, tinkle, oompah, oompah, screech, screech, screech is sure to be the end of my sanity. Or my neighbour's.
Until the concert when all of a sudden his practice seems to solidify into something useful. Aided in no small part by how shitfull most of the rest of the kids are. And he gets all the attention because he's seated at the front so between songs he can step forward put down one instrument and pick up the next.
Late last year at the concert some asshat behind me piped up during a change over with "How many instruments does that little smart arse play?" I pinned his ears back with a fairly loud "If you could count to 4 you'd be able to answer your own question."
hahahaha
big mike,
your child would have been one of the 4 (MAYBE 5) talented children at that awful 2 hour imprisonment.
I'm surprised, however, that you only gave that parent a tongue-lashing.
I would've fucked his shit up.
Post a Comment