PPD FTL!

I'm not sure why it's taken me so long to realize it...but I'm thinking I've got some pretty wicked post-partum depression going on.

I should've put my finger on it sooner. it happend when the monkey was about the same age. it got sooooo bad. soooo sooo bad. in hindsight, I'm pretty sure its why her father and I split up, in fact. but...I don't remember much about those days. I don't remember starting solid foods, her learning to crawl, when she first sat up, her first tooth...nothing. all blotted out of existence by my zombified state.

this time, it isn't so bad. I'm having "stability issues" (but if you read this blog, you already know that)...but I certainly don't want to off myself (not that I did then, either...that would've required too much enthusiasm) or have bad thoughts about the Prof. I'm happy with my baby...just kinda defeated about everything else.

but feeling better already knowing that I don't hate oqui, our relationship isn't doomed...I'm just dealing with some pretty nasty hormonal upheavals and need to sit tight and try to relax.

oqui and I have both done some reading on it. I really like the one book I'm reading that suggests that is entirely an ENDOCRINE issue NOT a mental health issue.

word, dawg. I'm not fucked in the head...just screwed in the hormones.

everything just seems to have slammed me at once. the eating. the vitamin deficiencies. the fatigue. the prof learning to crawl and forgetting how to sleep. the return of the hated auntie. nursing hormones. stress...

not a pretty combo, but certainly not the end of the world.

when I called the midwives to ask their suggestion I got REALLY angry (this is a frequent occurrence) at her reply.

me: I don't know why I didn't see it sooner.
her: yeah, we've been suspecting depression with you since early in your pregnancy.

thanks a million, bitch. in one breath you tell me to seek IMMEDIATE help and in the next you tell me that this has (in your opinion) been affecting me for over a year.

not gonna lie, I feel a little betrayed. did she have so little faith in my ability to deal to even broach the subject with me? just wrote me off as a bitch and left me out to dry.

so uncool...but on the flipside, I had an amazing delivery, am super bonded with the baby and he's doing REALLY well, so who gives a crap.

I won't take anti-depressants. not my style. even it comes down to the need for hormones...I'll go as far as progesterone. it won't affect the Prof while I'm nursing. no estrogen. no thyroid hormone...not until he's done nursing...

which, as far as I can tell...

is never.


's cool though. my boobs are gigantic (for me).