ten hours of sleep in four days. that hurt.
8 hours of driving in a monsoon (with an eensy weensy pregnant bladder). yeah, that hurt, too.
slamming my shoulder in the car door. that hurt a bit.
hiking at the back of the bunch instead of blazing the trail. definitely hurt (the ego).
subsisting on camp food all weekend with a hungry lil' parasite in me. that kinda hurt.
being mistaken for another climber's mother. that fucking KILLED!
but what hurt the most was realizing my limitations...and just how much has changed about me.
seeing my relationships with climbing friends, people I've been WAY tight with, morph right before my eyes...painful in an indescribable way.
I've become accustomed (along with the people who know me) to being a certain kinda person. bouncy. bubbly. brazen. bad-ass bitch. this trip found me more of the exhausted, hungry, moody, whiny, incapable ilk.
at this festival last year, I remember getting lost for hours on end...just chatting people up, hanging out, being social. this year involved alot of sitting, peeing, nodding off and aching.
some of my friends didn't seem to understand. in a private conversation oqui felt the need to explain it to them. he told them that I don't WANT to be exhausted. I don't want to have to watch my every move. I don't want to have to rest, pee and eat every 15 minutes....and I certainly don't like having someone else carry my pack on the hikes.
but I have no choice. he told them that he can actually see my energy drain and a crash fast approaching. I hit the wall...and I do it hard and often. one of the kids said, "man. that sucks" in such a way that oqui just KNEW that he meant it would suck to have to deal with that from his end...
oqui told him, "yeah. it does suck. for HER."
I'm incredibly lucky to have a man who gets it. someone who, in such a short time, knows me well enough to have faith in me. a man who's got my back...and carries the heavy stuff.
it hurts (alot) to know that my relationships with my climbing friends may be changed for good. its not like I can be the person I was two years ago with an infant or a toddler. I just can't take those kinds of risks...or that kinda time to myself, anymore. I mourn those habits and I mourn those relationships...but I'm getting pretty good at convincing myself it'll all work out.
so group trips may be a thing of the past...but I've still got oqui, the monkey and the mutts...and soon we'll all be camping and climbing and taking turns watching the sprout while mommy leads 5.11's (ha!)
on the bright side of the trip...it managed to NOT rain for one day and we got in a good solid day of climbing. I got on some 10's in my brand spanking new torture device...I meant body harness. I felt technically sound and kinda strong...
but exhaustion and fatigue had their way with me halfway up each climb.
either way...I'm still 4 months pregnant with half of a 10a, 10b and two bolts of an over-hung 10a under my belt.
and those were some pretty bad-ass halves...
if I do say so myself.
2 comments:
don't count out the group trips yet. they might be delayed for a while but if it's a priority, you'll make them happen again when you're able. at least that was the case for us.
consider this as well...i'm guessing the friends you were with haven't had kids yet, otherwise they would have been more understanding. when some of them do, you'll already be through the stage and will be more mobile and able to get away than they are. same thing happened to us. we used to be the ones that were slowing down the group. now that our kids are at an age where we can leave them with a sitter/relative, we are able to have fun on short notice than our friends that are just now starting families.
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