not saying any names...but...

I work with a goofball.

she's utterly harmless, well intentioned and only moderately incompetent...

but, she's just...weird.

our boss once described her as "having alot of frenetic energy." She flutters her eyelids (exacerbated by the blue eyeshadow) and waves her hands in little semi-circles while she talks. However, she also has an equally annoying sloth mode, during which her entire face droops and she semi-drools while processing for 45 seconds before responding.

she's also a bit of a slob (somehow I became the caretaker and organizer of our travelling supplies. imagine the bunch of lazy slugs I must work with...), in love with jesus, and dealing with some pretty-annoying-to-hear-about-first-thing-every-morning-personal situations...of her own making.

I'm not saying I dislike her...

ok, maybe I am.

but my real goal for today is to put it out there...then promptly leave it alone.

working with 3-4 other women for the last few weeks has made me extremely catty. its kinda fun talking a little shit and working up a gossip strategy a la survivor island...but I'm finding I really suck at it...

and will probably end up in hot water...or just hurting someone's feelings.

my attempts at strategy involve nothing more than waiting til she barely outside of the room before shuttering and blurting out, "oh THANK GOD she's outta here...she was REALLY irking me."

whoops. I didn't really say that OUT LOUD, did I?

yeah, bitch. you did. now quit yer nitpicking and leave the poor half ree alone.

so...it's out there. I think she's mostly retarded...

and now I'm gonna try to leave it alone.



...try.

yeah? and? so???

oqui and I have come to an understanding.

I'm allowed to be unreasonable...and he has to suck it up.

things should proceed quite nicely, now.

everything's changing

Hanging from the ceiling
Life's a mobile
Spinning 'round with mixed feelings
Crazy and wild
Sometimes I wanna scream out loud

Everything's changing everywhere I go
All out of my control
Everything's changing everywhere I go
Out of what I know

La la la la la la la la la

Everything's changing when I turn around
All out of my control
I'm a mobile
Everything's changing out of what I know

Everywhere I goI'm a mobile

Everywhere I goI'm a mobile



-------

thank you, avril lavigne, for so aptly describing how I feel.


particularly the lalalalala's.

just another day. just another round of "things" to accomplish. no real passion or enthusiasm for any of them. just chugging along...dragging a few extra pounds with for the ride.

this must be how people without hobbies/passion/desire/drive/direction live.

for the record...

(I'm not particularly good at 'resting' and) I don't like it.

ugh. blecht and ew.

I'm bored.

I am literally being denied all of my activities of choice. (ok, not all. I can still eat...just not alot of chocolate).

no climbing.
no riding.
no travelling.
no occassional glass of something fermented to calm the nerves.
no drunken fist-fighting.
no sex.

this is getting to be such a fucking drag.

the only recompense I have at this point (did I mention that I can't even have a goddamn orgasm????) is a little alien not so gently massaging my insides.

its wicked cool.

so while I'm 'resting' and being bored out of my mind, I find I'm always able to concentrate on one thing for more than 3 minutes (cause that's about as long as everything else holds my interest)...

the monkey kicking my spleen. we call it "playtime" and oqui does obnoxious things to my belly to see how much wiggling we can get out of the squirt.

it usually last about 20 minutes before all parties involved tire of it...

but its 20 minutes out of my day that doesn't completely suck.


also...i think chopping all my hair off while pregnant and sensitive was probably a BAD idea.

...I'm also thinking dying it red will prove to be a less than stellar proposition, as well.



guess we'll be skipping those "oh look how beautiful you were when pregnant" photo moments.

Abstinence blog: whatever the hell today is. several hours later

whoops.

we'll do better this time.

honest.

Abstinence blog: whatever the hell today is

I need to get laid.
get my swerve on.
do the horizontal tango.
get my groove on.
hit it.
do it.
crush it.
do the dirty.
hump.

the girls I had today are just god awful pains in the ass with the worst attitudes this side of the projects.

wait. they aren't this side of the projects. they are firmly entrenched directly IN the projects and their attitudes most decidedly reflect it.

yeah, we're gay...three white chics showing up in retarded pink girl scout shirts asking them to do lame crafts...but, bitch please. roll your eyes at me one more time and I'm gonna have to use my one phone call from prison to tell you simply: I warned you not to fuck with me.

so...I went off on their way-too-grown asses.

definitely NOT in keeping with the outreach goals of our particular grant.

whatevs. its not like they were ever going to grow up, facilitate a troop and spread girl scout well wishes into the universe. they were just gonna perpetuate the same "look at these lame ass white girls with nothing to offer us" attitudes that landing their bitch moms (I know some of their bitch moms) in the ghetto to begin with.

when reminded that I'm pregnant and supposed to be relaxing, and that I shouldn't let them get to me the only response I could muster (other than a string of insults and curses) was that we'd be doing them a disservice if we walked in there week after week allowing them to treat us like garbage and punk us.

hell no. show me some respect or I will put the smack down on your overgrown teenage ass and go to jail tonight.

so, yeah. anyway...like I was saying.

I really need to get laid.

Abstinence blog: Stardate 7.21.08

I'm not a big drinker. yeah, I'm down for the occassional sippage to take the edge of the day or help get sleepy.

but not being able to drink while pregnant has made me want to chug a gallon of vodka.

we'll call it the deprivation effect.

multiply that by 83,938 and that's how I now feel about sex. we like the sexorz. we like it alot.

several days of being restricted has made me like it (in theory) even more.

I dream in penis.

yesterday at the grocery store...everything was an innuendo.

-hey, grab some chili.
yeah, I'll grab your cans.

-I'm gonna go get some milk.
good idea. I wanna drink from your jug.

-do we need any hotdogs?
yup. right between your buns...

and so on and so on.

the good news: this may only need go on for 2 weeks until I'm evaluated, again.
the bad news: this will go on for at least two weeks.



...I'm OBVIOUSLY going to have to take up drinking.

I take it back.

earlier today I was a little upset with my body.

a bit perturbed that it seems to be having so much difficulty carrying a baby.

I said I was disappointed with it.

and that was just plain unfair.

so, little body, I tender my most sincere apologies. you're just doing what I've always pushed you to do...flexing your muskles and pushing your limits. you're just continuing to be very suki-like (ie. irritable) when the rest of the ship hath settled down.

its not your fault. you didn't get the memo.

so know this: I still have faith in you and I'm sorry I pushed you just a bit too far last weekend. I promise to rest, kick up your feet and feed you lots of good stuff like kale (shut up. you'll love it).

I also promise to trust you and show you the respect you deserve.

then...in about 5 months...


take you out to party and get you obliterated by means of extreme over-celebration.


ps. I'm REALLY sorry about the no sex thing. muh bad.

bah humbug

its hot.

I feel like dookie.

my back aches.

...and my boob itches.

however, I'm feeling pretty confident that the sprout is doing well. although I can't help turning around from the sink (desk, table, etc) and envisioning a tiny little not yet ready to be born baby head emerging from my dress.

I'm trying to be tough, but its still scary. this little guy is swimming contentedly around in a nice warm bag o' fluid (conveniently filtered and replaced 8 times a day by yours truly), kicking, hiccuping, sucking on his fist...

but if he were to be born now (or anytime soon) all that would change. quite drastically.

tubes, drugs, lights, machines...IF he survived.

I don't want that for him (duh), so I'd really like my uterus (and body as a whole) to cooperate in not shoving the muffin out before he's done baking.

I haven't dilated yet. I'm not ordered to bed rest. he's still boogering around and kicking my spleen...

so I'll try to relax and not inadvertently pop a blow vessel or blow a gasket.

I can tell you one thing for certain, though. there is some relief in this...I've recently found myself with one less thing to worry over:

I'M NOT EVEN THINKING OF CLIMBING.

evaluation

my bleeding episode of thursday night carried into friday morning...and friday afternoon...and early friday evening...

when I started having contractions.

a trip to the ER. hooked up to monitors for a few hours. every test known to man completed.

no idea why I'm contracting every three minutes...or why my cervix seems to be ignoring it (hallelujah for that).

I'm tired. I'm achey (very)...

but I'm still pregnant and the sprout is in no immediate danger.

my discharge instructions included:

-rest
-hydration
-lying down should I feel contractions any more severe than the ones both my cervix and I seem to be forced to endure for the next 4 months

and (among others, but this is my favorite):
-pelvic rest.

what, praytell, is pelvic rest?

if that means no sex...


we're in deep shit.

this city can go fuck itself

two tickets in two days.

I'm doing outreach work (read: I'm getting paid peanuts to work in shitty areas) with girls in the city...and I'm netting -$15/day income.

if this city would put half the effort into their children that they put into booby trapping their streets and ticketing my car...I wouldn't need to be there in the first place.

I called the parking authority to very politely ask them to lick my taint. In lieu of that...I asked her to just TRY to sleep tonight knowing that yet another (damn near volunteer) worker has been driven out of their shit hole.

I hate them.

I hate them bad.

just a little stressed out

central air freaking out. had it looked at once, gave it a good tuning up and a "bath"...under 100 bucks...all is well.

'til a few minutes ago when it started making noise, again. it's electrical. my smoke detector is still disabled from the carpet installation mishap. I'm hot, a little sensitive about house fires and not wigging out, persay...but definitely not relaxed.

then there's the bleeding and cramping. did a little fooling around, went to the potty, gave it a wipe, looked at the TP and thought, "Oh. there's my period."

then three seconds later realized, "wait. I'm pregnant. I shouldn't HAVE my period."

call in to the midwife. could be normal, could be the placenta.

wait and see, wait and see. I'm not REALLY worried...but when I tried to nap I had visions of burying my dead baby under the full moon. the full moon's tomorrow.

I really need to relax.

oqui's out like a light. I'm pretty sure sleep is his defense against stress...and lacking the desire or mean spiritedness to do what is necessary to actually get him out of bed...

I'll surf the net NOT reading about pre-term labor...willing my cervix to stop bleeding.



...I swear. that's it. no more porn for us.

all is well at camp broken toe

the kid and her friend were shipped off to camp last sunday.

by tuesday her friend had broken her toe.

I'm not worried.

nope. not at all.

no concerns over bears, snakes, lethal spider bites, swimming mishaps, overturned canoes, sketchy dudes sneaking into camp at night or werewolves.

nope. not concerned at all...

putting him on blast

no sense in sugar-coating it...

oqui, you're an asshole.

no, not all of the time...just when you really need not to be. as long as there is no conflict, you're the best partner a girl could have. you're affectionate, considerate and cuddly to boot.

HOWEVER, the second things don't go your way, you have the emotional maturity of one of my reetee students.

but I'm not your teacher, or your mother and if you keep treating me with indifference, inconsideration and selfish-passive-aggressive-immature-BULLSHIT...I will reach my limit.

what I'm saying is (just to make sure we understand each other):

I have limits. physically, mentally, emotionally...and being swollen, achey, hormonal and challenged do nothing to stretch those limits.

should you happen to turn your back on me in one more selfish immature fit...

you might just end up with a steak knife in it.


...37 times.

yesterday you treated me with less consideration than you would a hated co-worker. you condemned me for eating FOUR FUCKING SQUARES OF CHOCOLATE and nearly pulled me down a flight of steps in efforts to pry any remnants from my hand.

the worst part is...I thought you were kidding. I thought we were playing...then you stomped out and slammed the door.

you've GOT to be joking, right?

you're so concerned about the effects of a bit of chocolate on this child that you'd risk tossing me down a flight of hardwood (accident or not - I don't give a fuck)...then never apologize.

how about a little appreciation for what I AM doing to nuture a healthy baby, huh? how about some acknowledgment of what I have and will continue to sacrifice in order to give this monkey the best start? how about the fact that I'm losing my strength, fitness, outlets (all of them), and bladder control? how about the fact that my back is killing me and my feet are gigantic...and you're eating jujubees and rootbeer for dinner while I'm choking down cottage cheese? how about the three months of feeling like I was being poisoned while you rode your bike? or the month of skull crushing headaches after that...and never taking so much as a tylenol to relieve it?

how about me climbing 5.FUCKING.6's instead of 10's? how about you insisting on wanting to be more involved with this "pregnancy piece" and only reading your "Husband Coached Child Birth" book while you SHIT!!! then complaining of how boring it is?


anything like that ever happens again and I will crack your skull open with a frying pan.

I'm serious.

and again...to be certain we understand each other, here is a list of other infractions that will invariably end with you in a coma (and me in jail):

-ignoring me for ten minutes when I call you to dinner or snubbing your nose at food I've hand prepared for you. if you so much as wrinkle your nose at a plate of steaming dog shit while this child is around...I will fucking murder you.

-expecting ME to be the one to cave all the time. news flash: I won't. we can only fight for so long before you either grow the fuck up or I change the locks. I don't tolerate inconsiderate treatment from ANYONE....particularly not my "best friend" or "partner." capishe?

-putting a hand on me for anything other than sex, more sex, comfort or assistance. if I had had any idea whatsoever yesterday that you were actually mad (it was really hard for me to tell since I happened to be laughing so hard)...instead of running up the steps I would've turned around and kicked you in the fucking sack. really. fucking. hard. honestly...how dare you?

-and if you feel the need to survive on a soda and candy diet (particularly while being indifferent about MY meals)...you can take that shit elsewhere. the very first time either of my children says to me, "ewww! what's that? I'm not eating THAT!"...I'm slitting your throat.

consider this a very public and explicit warning...

stop fucking with me.

I'm not in the mood...nor will I be for ooh....let's see...the next 40 or 50 years.

glorious

this weekend I went here:

climbed to the top of this:

with:

and:

slept in one of these:

ate alot of this:

did alot of this:

feels good.

real good.

TOTALLY...

saw the baby's junk today.

less than 2 hours

although that could be referring to how much sleep I got last night, how long I wanted to stay at all these family picnics, or how long I have until I need to be at work...

its how long the kid has been on her way to virginia with my niece and brother-in-law...and I've been spazzing about it.

I didn't sleep a wink last night thinking about her.

she's gone on several sojourns with her father...and one or two with my mother in the past...yet I'm still having trouble with her being gone this week.

then she comes home for two days and is off to camp.

oiy.

I figured it might be rough on her...but didn't anticipate feeling nearly this shaken up, myself.

it's the timing. our relationship has been a little rocky...well...this entire year.

she's growing up (faster than I'm comfortable with). I'm pregnant. frustrations abound.

its almost like I'm unintentionally giving her polite (or not so) little shoves toward independence (and the door) in order to prepare for what I know is coming in the years to come:

my homegirl and my first little roommate is leaving.

I wonder if the timing of this baby will help or hurt her push for independence?

I'd hate to have had such a wonderful first 12 years with her...

then see it disintegrate in the home stretch.




strategy...I'll need a strategy.

so we're having a baby...(and other realizations)

after five months of feeling so very much NOT like myself...I think I've finally accepted the fact that I'm pregnant.




I'm still getting used to the cold hard fact that we're having a baby, though.



I'm reading up on home birth (hospitals and I do NOT get along) and realized that our child could be born in the very bed we conceived it.



we MADE a human!!!

...trippy.



it contents me to know that soon my life will have a new direction and purpose (right now it has almost none)...while simultaneously scaring me shitless.



polar ice caps melting. madmen in office. the happening.



what the hell are we doing???




so, yeah. from time to time I feel a kick, get to thinking and get totally spazzed about what all this means.



a child. ANOTHER human on this already crowded planet. we ease our fears and concerns by convincing ourselves that this child has purpose and will ultimately impact our society in tremendous (and hopefully GOOD) ways.



no pressure on my parenting or anything like that. we're taking this reaaaaaaaaaallll easy.
*cough*



other things I occassionally realize:



-I look better with red hair. I'm going to make this happen soon.



-I'm not fat. I'm pregnant...and fat. yesterday presented me with the knowledge that the difference between me feeling sexy and like a cow boils down to less than two pounds of love handle. pregnant or no....love handles are love handles. no likey. take 'em back.



-relationships aren't always easy...even really passionate and loving ones like the 'pah and I have (perhaps especially really passionate ones???) we moved quickly so we've still got things to work out. minor things. I'll concede to that...but minor things can be annoying under pressure...



...and hormones.



-I'm bored. I'm waiting for a new job to start. the house is nearly spotless. there's food in the fridge. I don't feel like crafting. I've read three books in the last two days . I shouldn't be painting (and I REALLY WANT to. there are a few pieces of furniture that need refinishing). no prenatal yoga this week. I don't have cable and its supposed to rain today. what to do now???



I know! pick fights with the kid and the 'pah.



-we should be in new jerseyshire.

it was a year ago today that we realized we were much more than friends...and started making plans. *le sigh* if gas didn't cost three billion bucks a gallon...we'd be packing (light) and hitting the road for the farm. 10 hours of driving would so totally be worth it to spend tonight together in our special place.



-we're losing our sense of adventure (see above).



-I'm happiest surrounding by green and/or blue (ie. the woods. the sky. the ocean.) the suburbs are visually and psychologically stifling. no likey. I want out.



-it is very likely that noone will buy this house and I'll be stuck rocking the suburbs.

-we should be getting married this weekend.

...pity I can't drink.