not so bad.

unfortunately...we did NOT climb last night.

what transpired in our family, instead, was much like the MOVE disaster. As Oqui put it...

What the hell kind of place do we live in where a mayor declares war on his own city?


substitute person for mayor and family for city...

and well, that was last night. it was a gut wrenching, back breaking, wrist bruising (we stopped arguing and stressing long enough to have a tickle fest during which Oqui got head butted...intentionally...and I got some badges of honor on my wrist. I fought well. I fought hard. I was outnumbered but ultimately was victorious.) 8 hours.

me: we can't keep having this same fight.
him: I know.

ten minutes later...

we resumed the same fight. I'm not gonna lie...I fought dirty. I hit below the belt. I went for the nads...and was almost ready to give up, call it quits and move itn with my mom.

wtf?

I calmed down just enough (or was I simply too exhausted to keep arguing???)to do some introspecting and figure a few things out:

why the hell was I spazzing?
why had my perspective changed so drastically?

what THE FUCK was going on?

I got it all straightened out.

getting sick...got me scared. I was lying in a hospital bed, chucking up my guts thinking, "oh my god, I won't have health insurance in 3 days. oh my god, what if I'm pregnant and puke for 4 months again? I can't handle that. I'd rather die. I need to work. We need the money. We're not ready. Where will we live? Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!"

then last night O'pah came home from a miserable day with a poor performance review and all hell broke loose. I was supposed to be comforting him in his time of peril and all that was going through my mind was (whether I liked it or not)...

FUCK!!! Now NOBODY will have insurance. Noone'll be able to pay the mortgage and how will we keep this family fed?

I considered broiling the dogs.

see...we've been putting a wee bit too much pressure on ourselves. We have a 2-3 year plan to pay off everything, sell everything else, purchase a piece of dirt in the middle of nowhere and live happily ever after as family farming, folk crafting, land lubbing uber hippies.

I realized today driving in my Volvo (which, yeah it rattles, guzzles gas and has blown speakers (my fault), but come on...its not THAT bad...its got heated seats) through an affluent BEAUTIFUL neighborhood, to a somewhat likable (somewhat) and professional job, with an application in the works to Nursing school and a cute as a button house in an amazing school district to go home to...

not to mention the dogs...

that we're already living most of America's dream. Middle class, suburban professionals. Amazing loving relationship. Great kid. Nice house. Decent (cough, cough) jobs. Awesome hobbies.

what the fuck am I crying about?

I'll get back to the land soon enough...

til then, I'm gonna stop being an ungrateful cunt and just enjoy what I have.



...at least until I spazz, again, that is.