priorities

the other morning I came to the conclusion that I would much rather be late to work (way late to work) and face censure than to leave my house without my carrots.

washed and peeled.

I've long since decided that tolerating any (and I mean ANY) sort of political, bureacratic or hierarchical bullshit solely for the sake of getting a paycheck wasn't gonna happen, either.

now I'm faced with a role that's becoming less clearly defined on a daily basis (the whole stay at home mom thing starts to lose significance when the kid is home less than you)...and still neither the desire or the ability to work full-time (I spazz).

but, I'll be thirty this year, and while my husband's income is respectable...we're barely making it and the prospects for retirement are about as grim as those for us taking a three week world-jaunting vacation this year. we just don't have the resources.

and while my meager $75 a day ration for putting up with inner-city school admin bullshit helps (according to my husband)...

I'm not feeling entirely fulfilled.

I like the kids. some of 'em I even like alot. the highlight of each and every one of my days is most definitely the excited smile of a youngster in the hallway blurting out "oooh! HI, MISS SUKI!!!" accompanied by an exuberant little brat wave. who WOULDN'T like that?

I just don't know that I'm able to commit myself to dragging my ass out of bed each. and. every. morning to actually get to school to see them. I like 'teaching' art...which is more like demonstrating crafts with the district's limited resources (ie. no freaking art room in this school)...

but I'm not sure whether or not I want to actually become a full-time teacher. there are a number of advantages and disadvantages to taking the plunge and getting certified...and I'm just not feeling like my perspective is clear enough to objectively evaluate my best course of action.

I'm lazy. I don't WANT to work, and I don't want to commit myself to schooling and a job that might drive me nuts (like I've already done three times)...but I don't want to be a soft shoed, booty ass, punk mo'ficker, either.

I WANT to man up...

just...not every day...full time...for thirty five more years until retirement.