(almost) the worst dream EVER

hormones are some trippy lil sum'n'guns.

I've been having...shall we say...strange dreams almost nightly.

last night's...SUCKED.

I drempt that I was pregnant (go figure), living in the home I grew up in (which is smack dab in the middle of a drug block replete with hookers and wandering crackheads, now), and could not, for the life of me...

remember who oqui was.

I couldn't even remember that I couldn't remember him. I spent the majority of the dream rummaging through all my summer dresses (I REALLY wish I had those dresses) not even aware that one becomes pregnant through the assistance of another...

til a woman rang the doorbell at 2 in the morning to say happy birthday to me. she said she was very happy for me (I have no idea who she was), and that she could see my name written all over the baby's father's smile. he was that in love with me.

then I tried to figure out who she meant.

was it Arrian? no, it was my daughter's father Scott. won't he (and his live-in girlfriend) be surprised to find out I'm carrying his child...

I came to the conclusion that I was ALL. ALONE.

I had flashbacks of being left alone on the playground at age 4. being ditched by my friends in junior high. of forgetting my father's name...not like I needed to remember it, anyway.

I drempt of every time I felt abandoned in my life...and still could NOT remember oqui.

I woke up staring at the dark ceiling...still feeling very much alone. I put my hand to my belly to see if it was real.

yup, there's a peanut there.

but how?

it took several minutes of racking my brain, staring into nothingness to figure it out...and it doesn't surprise me that it was a PHYSICAL memory that finally clued me in.

I knew that this child was planned. I knew that we wanted it. I could remember crying with relief when I found out...

then I remembered a laughable moment while trying to make it.

I remembered 'him' making a joke about tying my legs to the ceiling to get the right angle...then I saw his face. I reached to my left and felt him there...

I almost cried as I said his name.

oqui! thank god you're here.