I'm going to hell.

today I told the 'pah that I hate god.

( don't even believe in god...yet somehow, somewhere deep inside...I'm sure I'll pay for that.)

I am just sooooooo incredibly fucking sick of how I feel. I thought it was easing. I thought I was feeling better. I thought this long-playing shitty nightmare of a movie was almost over.

nope.

DENIED. back in bed ya go, suki. I've lost all sense of time. I woke up this morning and panicked because I didn't have a birthday gift for my grandmother.

her birthday is in november.

I am so entrenched in physical suffering that my mind can't even wrap itself around the concept of spring. the only thing springing is the mouth of hell.

wide open. trying to swallow me.

besides the fact that my body is getting weak and sore...my mind is getting fucked. this is the time of year I'm supposed to be raring to go, hitting the crags, fucking up trails and generally kicking ass.

nope.

I'm weak. under-nourished and black out every time I stand up.

I KNOW it'll pass...but I'm getting impatient. I'm also petrified of an early winter birth and post-partum PLUS seasonal depression all exacerbated by sleeping no longer than two hours a shot due to breastfeeding.

and more upsetting than how I feel NOW (and trust me. that's pretty fucking upsetting)...is the fact that this is attempt number two at pregnancy. and so far both have absolutely kicked my ass.

I'm upset...because I know that I'll never want to do this, again...and that seems incredibly limiting to me.

should my attitude suck about that already?

nope.

but, I'm finding it hard to be positive. REALLY hard. so disappointing.

I'm not depressed, though. its time to take action. Now, I'm just angry.

I envisioned smashing everything within reach with a baseball bat. I drempt I shot someone in the foot. I daydreamed I sliced the little jerk kid neighbor's basketball so he wouldn't be able to bounce it through my skull anymore.

I blamed god.

if this shit is truly a biblical curse because eve was a fucking cunt...then god is an unfair, unjust, bully of a prick.

(^yup. going to hell, again)

oqui started leafing furiously through all the pregnancy books for mention of god-hating in hopes of finding some advice on how to handle me.

nope.

so he did some yard work and picked up the dog poo...after ensuring all the knives were out of reach and my suic/homicidal fit had passed.

ha! little did he know...

I've got a shiv under the mattress and plan on hacking the dogs to pieces tonight while he sleeps.


a girl's gotta accomplish SOMETHING, right?