climbing...is out for a while

between the nausea, general malaise and sky-high heart rate...I've decided to hang up my harness for a bit.

perhaps once I've run the gauntlet and am feeling better I'll take another stab at in a body harness, but for now...

I'll take up my place on the sidelines.

sad. sad. sad.

climbing and riding (both sports during which I get to yell. ironic?) were GIGANTIC outlets for me. feeling crappy? climb it out.

pissed at the world? hop on a bike and hit the woods.

yet, I'm feeling so pathetic lately...that both of those things aren't even on the scope for me.

sad. sad. sad.

I was really hard on myself the other day. I think its because I had a break through window of feeling really good for a few hours...

and started planning.

next week I can (blank). tomorrow I should (blank). oh, yeah...it'd be really cool to (blank) soon, too.

then it all came crashing down in another wave of nausea and I felt instantly...

like it's my fault. I feel like every time I lie in bed instead of hike the dogs...my fault.
when the kitchen goes untended for three days and things start growing in the sink...my fault.
the dogs are bored the kid is eating doritos for breakfast...my fault. my fault. my fault.

I feel like if my attitude were just a little bit better, or if I was concentrating hard enough...I'd feel well, again. I feel like I should be able to will myself out of this.

so when I don't...

definitely my fault.

I'm feeling so down on myself...that the little "push me" voice in the back of my head is this-very-minute bitching at me for even typing the words "my fault."

aaaaagh! there is no doubt that how I feel physically and how I feel mentally are connected...

I'm just having trouble identifying causality.

do I feel like shit because I feel like shit?

or do I feel like shit because I feel like shit?

hmmmm...

either way, I've decided that I need some sort of outlet (and since its most certainly NOT going to be eating. food is fucking disgusting...)...

I'm going to get creative, again. I whipped out a few of my old craft magazines and tried to get motivated. I thought of picking up my knitting needles and getting to work on some baby booties. I imagined the sunroom painting being done and my brand spanking new craft room taking up residence there...

then I took another nap.

then I ate an orange (this is big news, btw...my fruit aversion has been tremendous).

then I tried to eat some hummus (no luck).

then I started to type.

of course...all of those things have, once again, made me nauseous...and I can feel the creativity seeping out of me.

water. maybe I need water. did they ever tell you you could have an aversion to water???

yeah. I do. the very sight of a glass of water makes me wanna wretch. milk...forget it. juice...no way.

maybe if I got good and hydrated I could stop the cycle of feeling like shit.


so there's my new plan. drink water. make stuff. stop feeling like shit.


I'll let ya know how that works out...