another beautiful day

we're planning on hitting french creek with the mutts (and his bike. I'm not mad. why would you think I'm mad????) later today.

which means I'm resting.

resting, resting, resting.

I'm tired of resting.

we had a little spat last night.

me: you don't appreciate what I do.
him: you don't appreciate what I do.
me: great! NOW we're getting somewhere.


we're stressed. the house. money. change of lifestyle. health insurance (that's a totally different blog. I'm one still too angry to write)...

but the truth of the matter is...

we're going to be under SOME sort of stress for the next several years no matter what.

we're looking at massive lifestyle changes across the board. we're going to be down to one income (most of which is absorbed by the cost of health insurance, but again...too angry to discuss that). we have to move. we're going to have some difficultly doing the things we love. the things we fell in love doing for quite some time (I can't foresee hit the fireline trail or trail 12 with a baby seat on the back of either of our bikes).

we have to change not only WHERE we live...but how.

its going to be rough, but its what we've planned. we're working towards a goal (of a slightly larger but still as cozy and happy family)...

and that should be sufficient knowledge, shouldn't it?

and I think it would be if I felt like I was working at all. instead I just feel lazy, useless and vulnerable.

its really hard for a woman who considers herself tough and strong to be relatively incapacitated...and almost entirely dependant on others (ok. well...I've mastered the dependant thing...but at least I used to be able to climb shit).

I've realized that I'm so tired...that I can't even picture myself being capable, again. and that's where the problem lies. how can I trust that I can handle this...do all this juggling when I'm not sure I believe that I'm going to feel better?

how 'tough and strong' is that?

hormones make me a sissy. and I don't like it.

oqui told me last night that its hard for him to see me so depressed. depressed?

I once heard that depression is just anger without enthusiasm.

if that's the case...I'm most certainly NOT depressed.

because I'm fuming mad...and ready to stab things (<---there's no lack of enthusiasm in that statement).

I HATE that if I'm up to cooking a meal...I'm definitely not up to cleaning up after it.
I DESPISE that after 4 hours of working...I need to sleep 14.
I'm PISSED that I'm not helping more around the house to get it sold.
I'm ANGRY that I don't feel comfortable looking for summer work...because I don't trust that I can handle it.

last night (in the midst of our 'argument') I said, "i know for certain...I'M NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN!!!!"

by "this" I meant getting pregnant.

and I felt instantly evil for saying it.

this isnt' the sprout's fault. nor is it oqui's. (shhh. don't tell HIM I said that)

its just an unfortunate couple of months to endure...

then I can move on. forget I ever felt so shitty...

and hopefully make some progress with "the plan."



...if not. I'm stabbing something.