MOM!!!

3:57 am

ear piercing scream in total darkness MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!

lying right next to me on my mother's guestroom floor (the bed having been donated to a niece months ago) the kid is having night terrors. I reach over, grab her hand and tell her, "It's ok, bayl. I'm right here." her hand trembles uncontrollably. she screams, again.

It's ok, baby. Mommy's here.

4:01 am

she's quiet, the moment having passed. I lie still in the darkness...heart pounding. wondering...what's wrong?

4:03 am

she shifts. I bolt upright. use my phone for light. make sure she's covered. make sure she's safe. lie back down...knowing, I won't sleep, again this night.

4:12 am

realization. this child hasn't slept in her own bed in two weeks. of the last 14 nights, she's spent only 4 with me. no wonder she's terrified...this is too hard on her.

4:43 am

guilt. anxiety. planning. this HAS to change. I MUST spend more time at 'home'. then...trying to figure out where home is, these days.

9:39 am

cloudly, over-cast, dreary. seems appropriate. seems...karmic. where to, now? the movies? maybe a matinee to patch things up? roller skating? sweat it out? yet another friend or family member's house...

I eat a mint. stare at the screen...honestly dreading the moment when she wakes up and inevitably asks...

"mom, what are we doing, now?"

resume

I really hate applying for jobs.

particularly ones that pay in peanuts and bubble gum wrappers.

there is no way on earth:

a. I'm going to get one of these shitty jobs
b. its going to pay the bills
c. I'm ever going to be able to move out on my own
d. I'm going to stop stress eating butter pecan ice cream.

fucking awesome. I asked for a divorce. want to sell the house. don't have a dime to my name...can't keep nor GET a fucking job and will soon be homeless with a child.


yeah. I'm having a ball just now.

falling

seems alot of it has occurred over the last few days.


falling off rocks.
falling off my bike.
shit falling apart (ie. sheer OBLITERATION of plans).


I took a STUPID lead fall yesterday. I was on a slabby ten at the harbor with Matty-batty-boomba-latty, stepped under my rope for the BRIEFEST of seconds thinking "shit. hope I don't fall, now" and totally fucking lost it.


lost the foot, wrapped the rope around the leg and fell ten feet or so backwards til the rope caught...


my thigh.


nothings hurt...but I've got a bunch of brightly colored boo boo markings wrapped around my leg...a tube of neosporin and a new appreciation for rope management.


I know it can happen to anyone. balancy move. tricky step-through...I'm just pissed it happened to me. It was a bonehead fall. I could've gotten really hurt.


I'm gonna try not to do something like that, again.


for realz.


in all honesty...I had no business on that climb. not that it was too tough for me (harbor tens are soft)...its just that the moment I got to my first bolt I looked down and said "I don't wanna climb this." simple statement of fact. I wasn't afraid. I've been sketched about a climb and pushed through it...this was something way more simple than that. my gut reaction to that climb was "no."


HOWEVER...since I've been trying so hard to be miss toughie pants lately...I sucked it up and kept climbing. duh. I could've predicted that fall three months ago my intution was so strong about it. again with the suki not trusting her gut.


another thing I'll try not to do, again.

for realz.


as for the falling off my bike. I neglected in my ride recap to inform everyone that I took my very first over-the-handlebars fall.


I'm so proud.


I kinda threw the bike behind me and more jumped than fell...but it was glorious, nonetheless.


not saying I wanna do it, again.


(for realz)


just saying I'm glad it happened.


Oqui did some research on the trail we rode (its what he does)...turns out its a hiking trail NOT a biking trail...and rather more technical than I thought.


yeah. I'm a fucking superstar. (a rather unskilled and not hot enough for tv one...but a superstar, just the same)

the only falling that really hurt over the last few days has been the falling apart of plans. of trust. of intentions.

I'm not sure the damage is permanent...but I don't like how it feels, now.

I have a child I'm bound and determined not to disappoint...and no idea how to hold it all together. she picked a house...one that I showed her...one 3 doors down from one of her best friend's house...one she's already picked her bedroom in...

and I don't know how I'll afford it.

as my mother said though, "you'll just have to find a way. now won't you?"

yup.

I'll just have to find a way. now won't I?

jim thorpe

I had a totally amazing weekend. spent some much needed time with the kid...and in the woods.

picking her up saturday she was all sprinkles, ice cream cones, slip n' slides, gold earrings and her new cell phone...

by sunday afternoon she was swimming in the lake, antiquing and in soulful woman training.

such an amazing and adaptable child. so much like me...so incredibly different. she's one of those rare people who has the ability to take the BEST from all those surrounding her while systematically discarding the negative (minus the nail biting) without judgement.

without judgement. such a simple concept...

I learned alot from my child this weekend.

technically speaking.

I rode a technical trail.

up AND down.

I stayed in my biggest chain ring the whole time.

up AND down.

I hit a tree...more than once.

I lifted my tires off the ground. three inches AT LEAST.

front AND back.

I felt brave...less skilled than I'd like...

but super tough. the skillz will come...

for ten minutes my mantra was: this is too technical for me. this is too technical for me...

I did it anyway.

I'm glad I have the nerve.

yonder mountain

bluegrass.

going to see yonder mountain in Jim Thorpe tonight with Oqui, the Cilantro gang and Matty and the K-town hotties (why am I capitalizing?). gonna camp tonight. ride tomorrow. pick up the kid saturday and camp another night with her.

I'm really excited about spending some time in the woods with her. I think it'll be cathartic.

we're all going to area 51 on sunday to boulder...which will probably bore her to tears...leaving plenty of time to go exploring with her.

I foresee a suki getting lost on both the bike ride AND the explororating...

I can't wait.

so shouldn't I be more excited? blah.

I'm tired. just hoping to get through the evening. it'll be very much a 'coming out' for Oqui and I...vast and abounding judgement awaits.

after all...I'm still married.

I told the hub that I was interested in someone else and he's been getting progressively angrier (his term was bitter). I told him he's entitled to that...

still doesn't help.

hmmm...look at the time.

I need to get out of here...










I really need to get out of here.

stress.

how do you deal with it?

I've got alot (the big "d", the kid, money, preparing and selling the house, getting my real estate license, not losing my driver's one, finding a new house, getting a mortgage, blood butt and abdominal pain, that suspicious rash <----just seeing if you're with me).

I don't want my innerds to disintegrate. I'm curious how you guys let off some steam.

I rode on tuesday, climbed on wednesday, try my hardest to listen to tunes that affect my mood in JUST the right fashion, and cuddle my dogs alot.

bear in mind...sex and eating probably aren't options.

what else do you guys do?

influence

I didn't suspect that the most difficult part of leaving my husband...would be letting go of the kid.

she's been spending alot of time with her father and his girlfriend...and they're having an influence.

while my first inclination is to pick her up, drag her to the woods and readjust her priorities...I'm not going to do that. I'm going to do what I think is right...and loosen the apron strings. I feel that by this point I've had enough of an influence (have I mentioned once or twice that she's a fantastic kid?) to give her the option of experiencing some non-suki-mommy things.

like soda.
and cable.
and shopping malls.

I'm stuck, here. if I pull too hard she'll push back. if I'm too at odds with her "other family's" values...she'll be forced to align herself with one...and not adjust equally to both.

I don't WANT her to be with them. she's my baby. I WANT her to be here with me...

but I'm letting her finish out the week over there...

I feel fucking violated. NOBODY has the right to shape my child. I've given up everything in life to be a good mother for her...

how can somebody else just show up with a visa card and change my child's perspective?

is that even allowed to happen?
am I permitted to (inwardly) flip my shit over this?
what the hell am I supposed to do?

she's too young. too malleable...

she shouldn't be without her mom...not even for 6 days.



-----------------

in other news: my cultures were negative. there's no easy answer to why I got ill...why I still can't eat. why I lost so much weight. friday will see me once again at the GI doc's...this time staring down the barrel of more testing. I was told that "we" won't stop until "we've" figured out what caused it. I'm staying calm. I'm not sick. I'm mainly stressed. Testing only hurts a little. In the end there will be an answer. This, too, shall pass.

but seriously...why the hell does it all have to come to pass at once?

the cave man

just got off the phone after an hour convo with frank (biketopia).

good guy.
great advice.
kind soul.

thank you, internet, for introducing me to him.

the beginning...

of the continuation...of the end.

today its go time. we're going through the house, inventorying what needs to be tossed, fixed, painted, replaced, put in storage, fought over, et cetera.

I'm going to schedule a class to renew my real estate license...figure out what this house is worth (pray I get 240k for it)...get out our paint brushes and put up a sign.

we can't settle before October without paying capital gains taxes (no thanks. did that once), but I'd like to have it under contract ASAP. transitions suck.

this up down up down up down emotional roller coaster is....vexing, to say the least. one minute I'm so ridiculously retardedly stupid-like happy...

then I crash when the kid doesn't want to come home...or the dog looks at me funny...or I talk to my mom (unless I'm scaring her with tales of my mountain biking, lead climbing, dare-deviling adventures, knowing she won't sleep that night and getting in a little payback after she's had her third glass of boxed wine, that is).

the hub has decided that he's moving in with a friend...and can take cookie with him. I told him I'm not sure if I can let cookie go live without nandie (we did NOT name him Fernando. I swear it). not sure if I can let cookie go...period. he said I can have her if I need her.

heh. I might need her.

he's happy about where he's going. said he thinks that that may be why all of this is happening...that maybe he's supposed to be there with him. keeping him company. helping him out. spending time with him. this eases my mind more than you can imagine. he'll be in the company of single friends. getting his art on. going out. meeting the shorties. drinking too much (ugh. that worries me)...and trying to get on with it.

he told me yesterday not to worry what others thought. or if they over-reacted. he said its between the two of us and no one else. he offered me tons of support when he heard that the kid's grandmother flipped on me. he said we had a good run and it was time to move on. he said he can't understand why some people are taking it so hard.

I told him that I can. when we got married we were the picture of gushy-sloppy-make-everyone-sick-in-love-compatibility. it was romantic. it was everyone's fantasy.

then three years later it took a shit. people can't cope when something like that breaks down. they lose faith. they lose hope. they get bitchy.

so I'm making me psuedo-public statement right now for all the bitchy-getters *cough. grandwitch, cough*:

I'm a little busy right now figuring out my own life...and won't be able to entertain YOUR little issues and epics.

if you can't be supportive of my choice (understandable)...

at least do me the courtesy of being silent (aka stfu).

vulnerable

not a good day, today.

my daughter's paternal grandmother (bitch) somehow got her claws on the kid. bought her a new cell phone (WHO does she think she is???? she has a plan. she has a mother. she (the grandwitch) needs to step off).

I get a message "G, it's Bayley. Got a new phone. Give me a call. Later."

hold up. wait.

did the kid just call me by my first name?
did she really just inform ME that she got a new phone?
did she end a message with "later" and not "I love you"?

what the fuck is going on?

when I called her back, her grandmother accused me of only caring about myself (ever). refused to return the child to me...and worked her into hysterics within three minutes. for some reason scott's mother is obviously upset about my impending divorce...and taking yet another opportunity to judge me.

I'm three hours away without my own car...how can I possibly choke the life out of this fucking bitch through the phone?

at first I was livid. then I was anxious.

then I caved. I thought his entire family was in on it. they wanted the kid for themselves. they were going to mount another attempt at custody (not that their little injunction to keep me from moving out of the county TO GO TO COLLEGE a decade back wasn't fun and all...)...that they were poisoning her against me...

that they were making her unnecessarily sad.

see, I asked her dad to keep her for a few days while things were sorted out here. its been amicable...but I didn't want the kid to see tears and lose faith in marriage. be exposed unnecessarily. get sad.

so what does his mother up and do (why would she DO that?)?

makes her sad. I've never heard my child more hysterical.

I've been working in Baltimore this week. LOOONG days away from home. I'm tired. I'm still not feeling well and I haven't slept more than four hours a night in three days.

I'm vulnerable.

I envisioned custody proceedings during which I was drug through the mud...rather convincingly, I might add. everything that I think of as fun or quirky about myself was used against me.

I was judged for NOT working. I was judged FOR working. I was attacked for my relationships. Getting kicked out of med school. owning pitbulls. driving a blue car...

just being me.

but worst of all...the kid was going along with it. she didn't want to come home.

I called my mother. I texted my friends....I got such little support. why? one of my friends actually said to me "you have to think about what's best for bayley. not you." isn't it obvious that being with ME is what's best for the kid?

more importantly....isn't it obvious to the kid???

I just had another phone conversation with her during which she was inexplicably upset...and still didn't want to not stay and hang out with her dad.

apparently I'm a giant fucking asshole for thinking this would be easy...especially for her. apparently I'm a giant fucking asshole for trusting her father to protect her emotionally.
apparently I'm a giant fucking asshole for thinking she'd want to see me.

apparently, I have this coming...

climbing. yeah, I remember that.

went climbing yesterday. first time since I got sick (?) in Rumney.

almost two weeks without the cathartic feel (and sheer terror) of rock, squeeze and scrunch of uncomfortable shoes, the twist and pinch of a harness.

two weeks too long.

yesterday was a fantastic day. got some things off my chest, spent some quality time with some people who care about me, ate TWO WHOLE hamburger patties, and attempted my first 5.10 lead...

ever.

I wasn't feeling strong to say the least. putting a harness on was not quite excruciating...but definitely discomforting (yes. I gotta get that belly checked out. I have yet another appointment this friday), and I wasn't expecting much from myself.

...then I got cocky. I was giving my climbing partner shit for not man'ing up on something when the whole group had just about enough of it and hit me with a "then you do it."

fuck. the hardest lead I've ever attempted outside was a 9 at the New and I took a sick whipper on it...but I figured if I was gonna run my mouth...I'd better back it up.

I had just done this route on top rope for the first time about ten minutes earlier and knew I couldn't stick the crux move. it was too long a move for me...leaving nothing but the dyno (which I'm quite fond of, btw) a few feet above the last bolt for the finish hold.

I HATE falling from the finish hold on lead.

but it was a clean fall and I was feeling froggy.

I lept.

got clean through the first couple of bolts...had alot of encouragement. took a few well timed rests...

then fell half a dozen times at the crux.

FELT FUCKING AMAZING

I love the liberating feeling of tossing my body through the air...sticking the hold (or not) and knowing I've got a clean catch awaiting me. after the first fall...no fear. I went again and again and again and...then I got bored.

end result: I couldn't stick the move. didn't finish the route (oh, so close) and felt like a champion.

leading a ten was something I expected I'd work my way back up to by the end of summer but I pushed myself, faced my (overwhelming) fear of falling, dug deep and proved something to myself.

I'm sooo much stronger than I think I am.

...and kinda ballsy, too.

welcome to miserable

like a kid coming down from a sugar high...

the initial relief of saying the words and getting it off my chest has now just about worn off.

I hate how I feel right now. I hate that my insides roil, boil and twist everytime I think about this.

I hate that people who were as in love as we were grow apart, grow different, grow complacent.

I hate not being able to trust ANY-FUCKING-THING.




...I still love the kid, my dogs, my cool jammies and the house (I'm about to sell), though.


^ (I also hate) my lame ass attempt at being positive.

the "d" word

asked the husband for a divorce last night.

he agreed.

I thought this would be harder. I thought there'd be more tears...maybe a fight...possibly a shooting (kidding. he uses swords). nothing.

amicable as can be.

I guess it was just time, and we both knew it. we've worked out everything but the dogs. next week we start getting the house ready to sell (it's gorgeous, by the way...I'll give you a good price). he keeps the stereo. I get some artwork.

I know its too early in the game to say this is too easy...but it could certainly be harder.

I still love him tons...enough to let him be happy. this guy is so fucking great he even worked a budget for me to make sure I can do it on my own. agreed to pay the bills until I remember (learn?) how.

he's gonna be an artist, again. I'm gonna be a rock climber.

I think this is a good thing.

I think we'll stay friends.

Dear Anonymous,

an anonymous comment left on one of my posts:

Anonymous said...
Get over yourself! The tests are done to find out what is wrong with you nothing more.Were you expecting a magic wand to be waived and then *POOF*...a diagnosis? Stop whining and be happy you have access to medical care. Unbelievable!
July 12, 2007 6:56 AM

my response:

Suki said...
oh, hey.welcome to my blog. now kindly go fuck yourself.this is a place for ME to express MY feelings, fears, concerns, etc. not PC central. can I bitch, whine and moan in here? you betcha.you don't like it?this is ME not caring. YOU can kindly feel free to fuck off.or at least have the balls to identify yourself.Suki


I'd just like to take the briefest of moments, here...to remind our anonymous guests of my world class sport-bitching title.

I live for this shit.

come on back, and let's play.

my last 6 out of 7 posts

were yicky.

its happy time.

my dogs are cute.
my kid is healthy, happy and amusing.
my house is cozy.
my pajama pants have cows on them.
I'm totally awesome.

your turn. what's good about your day today?

nothing.

the cultures weren't back. the tests revealed nothing.

now...I wait. if it's parasitic or some mondo meany bacteria...I get antiobiotics and move on with my life.

if its not...I get a camera up my butt (and anything else they deem necessary until they determine the cause).

he said...we must know what happened.

great. could we know like...umm...now, maybe?

so for now...I'm trying not to lose any more weight (this idea is actually quite fun. It means ice cream sundaes, I think.), taking more naps than even I can tolerate...and being bored and dizzy.

despite all that...I feel ok.

:D

2:20

seeing a specialist today. all my tests were pushed up based on the "incidental finding" reported last week...so I get to meet my hiney doctor a few days early.

a climbing friend and super kind soul is going with me to help take the edge off...and by edge I mean flipping out, spazzing and crying.

hopefully he'll have some test results back.

...and some answers.

kids heal all

fifteen dollars, a box of ice cream cones and a bunch of neighborhood kids with a crush on my daughter totally made my day, today.

the boys did the weeding. the girls did the teasing...and I did the enjoying.

I'm so blessed to have a bunch of (not so) little reminders of how much fun everything can be.

there was worm throwing, popcorn munching, singing, bootie shaking and a whole lot of work getting done.

I haven't a hiney worry in the world when the neighborhood kids hang here.

finally around 9:30 the hub screamed at them and chased them away (he HATED having them here. an issue I refuse to acknowledge just now) I should buy some doritos and soda to make sure they come back...

the brighter side of rumney

welcome to rumney, nh.

enjoy.

I'll admit it. I'm really scared, now.

a doctor from the new hampshire ER just called to report an "incidental finding" not likely to be indicative of cancer at my age.

they told me the scan was clear...

they're not allowed to do this, now.



I've got such a bad feeling about this...

do I HAFTA???

saw my doc yesterday.

he said I need further testing (including a colonoscopy. yay). he lectured me for refusing reasonable care by not allowing them to admit me. he called me a jerk. I called him a bigger jerk. we thumb wrestled...

then I cried and shook again as they scheduled my GI appointment.

I'm thinking anti-anxiety meds might be in order for the days to come.

I REALLY don't do well with medical issues...

:(

cranberry ass...aka blood butt

the rumney trip was awesome. spectacular. completely fucking amazing (I'll blog that part separately, me thinks)...

right up to the point where I landed in the hospital, that is.

a day or two in I had some pretty serious stomach cramping...but considering the conditions and my level of (PURELY BLISSFUL CLIMB-RELATED) exhaustion...I had a bagel, put the pain on the shelf and decided to keep an eye on it. kept climbing. wasn't leading my 9's like I would've liked (hesitation thy name is suki)...but climbing smart and balanced.

then I started pooing blood.

it took peggy, gino and oqui about 12 hours (several multi-pitch climbs later) to convince me to finally head to the hospital. not gonna lie...the feeling like death, inability to eat, fever, dehydration and pain didn't hurt in compelling me, either. I still wasn't worried, though. I was accused of being "tough", trying to be a hero, etc, etc...but in reality. I just wasn't concerned. i figured...ok. I'm a little sick. need some more water and sleep and OH FAN-FLIPPING-TASTIC...I blew a gasket in my butt. embarrassing, maybe...but(t) still, no worries.

I hate emergency rooms.

I hate emergency rooms like I hate Oprah. (bitch)
I hate emergency rooms like I hate G-dub-bush.
I hate emergency rooms like I hate strange fingers in my ass.
I hate emergency rooms ALMOST as much as I hate men who hit kids and women.
I hate emergency rooms like I hate black licorice.
I hate emergency rooms like I hate commercial television.
I hate emergency rooms like I hate thrash metal and tom green.
I hate emergency rooms...because you only go there when something bad happens :(

I hate emergency rooms.

because of recent pneumonia incident I knew what I was getting myself into when I finally decided to go. a bare ass...(minus the finger up it) in a shitty paper gown. cold room. uncomfortable girney. hard pillow and needles in my arm. I just didn't want to go that route...nothing heroic about it. quite frankly....I think I was being a pussy.

it went worse than I expected. they said I tested positive for blood in my stool (OBVIOUSLY - I just shat out a bucket-full)...and that I needed to be admitted.

NOW I was petrified. I can't really explain my reaction...other than to say sheer terror. i was hoping my symptoms would be minimized...negated or ignored, even so I could just go home. but doctor douchebag gave me the "this is serious" look...and I lost it. I can't tell you how glad I was that Oqui was there with me.

I acted like a little kid who needs stitches. I refused. told him I wanted to go home. I'd leave against medical advice. I pitched a fit and cried and shook for hours...I was tired. weak. scared. it finally hit me...tonight they could find something really wrong with me. I gave in.

I drank their iodine. I had the tests. I shook all night. occassionally a nurse or a tech tried to offer comfort...more often than not they offered drugs.

I refused the antibiotic (tendon rupture, anyone?)...only to be brow-beaten into taking it later...somehow without getting any further information out of them. irresponsible of me. completely wreckless and immoral of them.

its so fucking clear now (that I'm home) that everything they did to me to make me better made me feel worse. the dyes injected/ingested for the scan made me so sick I couldn't stand. the antibiotic made me nervous, uncoordinated, at risk for injury and scared. the needles petrified me. the cold chilled me...even the gown demoralized me.

I. hated. it.

a clear abdominal scan and 493 explosive iodine and cranberry induced poos later...he cleared me to travel home...with no idea what was wrong.

strange how...now that i'm here:

I'm not scared anymore.

I'm seeing my doctor later (no doubt to have more drugs pushed on me) for the sole purpose of making sure that I've done everything I can to rule out something seriously wrong (I wanna live. I love my daughter)...then I'm ignoring this whole fucking thing.

I'm done with allowing anybody to tell me what my body needs. I'm a woman. we have fantastic instincts...

and from now on, I'm going to trust them.