falling

seems alot of it has occurred over the last few days.


falling off rocks.
falling off my bike.
shit falling apart (ie. sheer OBLITERATION of plans).


I took a STUPID lead fall yesterday. I was on a slabby ten at the harbor with Matty-batty-boomba-latty, stepped under my rope for the BRIEFEST of seconds thinking "shit. hope I don't fall, now" and totally fucking lost it.


lost the foot, wrapped the rope around the leg and fell ten feet or so backwards til the rope caught...


my thigh.


nothings hurt...but I've got a bunch of brightly colored boo boo markings wrapped around my leg...a tube of neosporin and a new appreciation for rope management.


I know it can happen to anyone. balancy move. tricky step-through...I'm just pissed it happened to me. It was a bonehead fall. I could've gotten really hurt.


I'm gonna try not to do something like that, again.


for realz.


in all honesty...I had no business on that climb. not that it was too tough for me (harbor tens are soft)...its just that the moment I got to my first bolt I looked down and said "I don't wanna climb this." simple statement of fact. I wasn't afraid. I've been sketched about a climb and pushed through it...this was something way more simple than that. my gut reaction to that climb was "no."


HOWEVER...since I've been trying so hard to be miss toughie pants lately...I sucked it up and kept climbing. duh. I could've predicted that fall three months ago my intution was so strong about it. again with the suki not trusting her gut.


another thing I'll try not to do, again.

for realz.


as for the falling off my bike. I neglected in my ride recap to inform everyone that I took my very first over-the-handlebars fall.


I'm so proud.


I kinda threw the bike behind me and more jumped than fell...but it was glorious, nonetheless.


not saying I wanna do it, again.


(for realz)


just saying I'm glad it happened.


Oqui did some research on the trail we rode (its what he does)...turns out its a hiking trail NOT a biking trail...and rather more technical than I thought.


yeah. I'm a fucking superstar. (a rather unskilled and not hot enough for tv one...but a superstar, just the same)

the only falling that really hurt over the last few days has been the falling apart of plans. of trust. of intentions.

I'm not sure the damage is permanent...but I don't like how it feels, now.

I have a child I'm bound and determined not to disappoint...and no idea how to hold it all together. she picked a house...one that I showed her...one 3 doors down from one of her best friend's house...one she's already picked her bedroom in...

and I don't know how I'll afford it.

as my mother said though, "you'll just have to find a way. now won't you?"

yup.

I'll just have to find a way. now won't I?