vulnerable

not a good day, today.

my daughter's paternal grandmother (bitch) somehow got her claws on the kid. bought her a new cell phone (WHO does she think she is???? she has a plan. she has a mother. she (the grandwitch) needs to step off).

I get a message "G, it's Bayley. Got a new phone. Give me a call. Later."

hold up. wait.

did the kid just call me by my first name?
did she really just inform ME that she got a new phone?
did she end a message with "later" and not "I love you"?

what the fuck is going on?

when I called her back, her grandmother accused me of only caring about myself (ever). refused to return the child to me...and worked her into hysterics within three minutes. for some reason scott's mother is obviously upset about my impending divorce...and taking yet another opportunity to judge me.

I'm three hours away without my own car...how can I possibly choke the life out of this fucking bitch through the phone?

at first I was livid. then I was anxious.

then I caved. I thought his entire family was in on it. they wanted the kid for themselves. they were going to mount another attempt at custody (not that their little injunction to keep me from moving out of the county TO GO TO COLLEGE a decade back wasn't fun and all...)...that they were poisoning her against me...

that they were making her unnecessarily sad.

see, I asked her dad to keep her for a few days while things were sorted out here. its been amicable...but I didn't want the kid to see tears and lose faith in marriage. be exposed unnecessarily. get sad.

so what does his mother up and do (why would she DO that?)?

makes her sad. I've never heard my child more hysterical.

I've been working in Baltimore this week. LOOONG days away from home. I'm tired. I'm still not feeling well and I haven't slept more than four hours a night in three days.

I'm vulnerable.

I envisioned custody proceedings during which I was drug through the mud...rather convincingly, I might add. everything that I think of as fun or quirky about myself was used against me.

I was judged for NOT working. I was judged FOR working. I was attacked for my relationships. Getting kicked out of med school. owning pitbulls. driving a blue car...

just being me.

but worst of all...the kid was going along with it. she didn't want to come home.

I called my mother. I texted my friends....I got such little support. why? one of my friends actually said to me "you have to think about what's best for bayley. not you." isn't it obvious that being with ME is what's best for the kid?

more importantly....isn't it obvious to the kid???

I just had another phone conversation with her during which she was inexplicably upset...and still didn't want to not stay and hang out with her dad.

apparently I'm a giant fucking asshole for thinking this would be easy...especially for her. apparently I'm a giant fucking asshole for trusting her father to protect her emotionally.
apparently I'm a giant fucking asshole for thinking she'd want to see me.

apparently, I have this coming...