MOM!!!

3:57 am

ear piercing scream in total darkness MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!

lying right next to me on my mother's guestroom floor (the bed having been donated to a niece months ago) the kid is having night terrors. I reach over, grab her hand and tell her, "It's ok, bayl. I'm right here." her hand trembles uncontrollably. she screams, again.

It's ok, baby. Mommy's here.

4:01 am

she's quiet, the moment having passed. I lie still in the darkness...heart pounding. wondering...what's wrong?

4:03 am

she shifts. I bolt upright. use my phone for light. make sure she's covered. make sure she's safe. lie back down...knowing, I won't sleep, again this night.

4:12 am

realization. this child hasn't slept in her own bed in two weeks. of the last 14 nights, she's spent only 4 with me. no wonder she's terrified...this is too hard on her.

4:43 am

guilt. anxiety. planning. this HAS to change. I MUST spend more time at 'home'. then...trying to figure out where home is, these days.

9:39 am

cloudly, over-cast, dreary. seems appropriate. seems...karmic. where to, now? the movies? maybe a matinee to patch things up? roller skating? sweat it out? yet another friend or family member's house...

I eat a mint. stare at the screen...honestly dreading the moment when she wakes up and inevitably asks...

"mom, what are we doing, now?"